To The Boy Who Made Me Second Guess My Self-Worth

To The Boy Who Made Me Second Guess My Self-Worth

Jokes on you, because my self-worth has tripled since you!

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To the boy who made me feel less than, this one is for you.

On that night, you might have left me feeling worthless, but since you, I have blossomed into someone that I never could have become if I was still with you.

We all have that one guy. The one that was so not your type, or not up to your standard, however the thought of being with him inticed you. It felt dangerous, and that was why he was so appealing to you.

You see, that is when it gets dangerous. The exact moment that you allow someone to dimish your self-worth, is when trouble arises.

While we shared many moments that I will forever cherish, your ability to dimish my self-worth is something that I will not. Whether it was a side comment about how you didn't "vibe with my new hair color", or those times when you would tell me how "awkward" or "uptight" I was, those things will always stick with me... or so I thought.

There was such a time when your sly, demeaning voice was constantly stuck in the back of my head. If I saw a picture of myself that I didn't like I would go back to the comments that you would somehow always manage to sneak in during our everyday conversations. You would make jokes about my outfits and laugh it off with a subtle grin towards me, yearning for a laugh back from me. If someone ever looked at me funny, I went back to those times.

While these instances stuck with me for quite some time, that time is up and now more than ever, I am aware of my self-worth and how hard the guy after you should have to work to get me.

Nowadays I'm taking more time for my mental health, and rebuilding my self-worth back, but tripled.

Because of you, I thought so poorly of myself.

But, because of you, I have more self-worth than ever before. And for that, I thank you.

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A Letter To The Man Who Will Always Have A Piece Of My Heart

You were always there for me no matter how mad we were at each other.
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The day that you walked into my life is a day that I will never forget. I know it sounds cheesy, but the way you looked at me with your blue eyes, I knew that this would hurt. For a long time, it didn't though. For a long time, I was happy with the way we were. I loved every minute of the time I spent with you, and being able to learn as much about you as you would let me. I got to see how kind you actually were, even though you didn't believe that you were. I watched you talk on the phone with people and how your eyes would light up when they said something funny. I saw how hard you worked at everything and it truly inspired me to be as hard of a worker as you. I was proud of all the things you did, even if it wasn't anything too impressive. I loved watching you talk about your work. You knew so much and loved what you did. I watched how you treated everyone with respect and kindness. I watched you laugh at the silly things that would come out of my mouth and I wanted to say even more funny things so I could make you laugh even more, just to see the smile that made me fall in love with you in the first place.

I put up walls at first, the way I always have, because I was scared to get hurt again. I've always been the kind of girl to wear her heart on her sleeve and believe the best in people, but before I even really realized it, you had gained my trust. I told you things about me that very few people knew. I told you all about my childhood and about my favorite memories as a child and some memories that I'd rather forget. You knew everything about my life in just a few shorts months. I learned about your childhood and some of your favorite memories. I saw how much you took pride in the things you loved, even if you weren't the type of man to brag. I liked that about you. Even though my friends weren't the biggest fans of you, they'll never know you in the same way that I did. They never understood what I saw in you, but I could see the kind of man that you really were. You were kind, generous, soft-hearted, funny, hard working, talented, and someone who I thought the world of. The days that you were busy with work, I missed your texts in my inbox. Just seeing your name on my phone or your smile was enough to make any bad day better.

On the days we fought, it hurt my heart. I didn't like fighting with you, and now I wish that I hadn't picked so many of those fights. But there were so many moments where I had doubted your feelings for me. Growing up, I've had people who promised they would never leave, do just that. So many people that I trusted just up and left my life as though I didn't mean anything. So many friendships and relationships down the drain. But even when we fought and I would say we were done, you were still always there. You were there for every happy moment, as well as every sad moment. When I wanted a break, you gave me my space, but were there waiting when I came back with a broken heart. You were one of my best friends, so not having you in my life will leave a hole that will never be filled in the same way again. But I can't begin to explain to you how much you meant to me.

The last day I saw you, my heart was breaking. I knew we'd have to say good bye and that it would be the last time we'd probably ever see each other. It hurt to even look you in the eyes, but when I did, seeing the blue eyes that I've come to love so much looking back at me, it took everything I had not to break down like I had been when you weren't around. Our last hug and kiss is something that I still think about after all this time. I wish I could go back and pause that moment and never let you go. I know I told you that it would help me get over you, but to be completely honest, I don't know if I'll ever be fully over you. I still get excited when my phone goes off and think it's you. When I wake up in the morning, I forget what happened for a little bit and when I remember, my heart breaks all over again. But I know that this pain is for a reason and that you have your reasons for moving on.

So here comes the hard part right? The part where I tell you how much I love you and how much I will miss you. It's all true. I spent so many days having you by my side, and no matter where I go in life, I will always miss you and the way you looked at me when we drove through the back roads in your truck. I'll miss the way you hugged me and how your lips felt on my forehead. I'll miss the little moments when you'd make fun of me for something I said or did. I'll miss you. But I have to say that it was a privilege to have you in my life for the time that I did. For as long as I live, you will always have a piece of my heart. No matter where I go in life, or who I move on with, you will have had a part in forming the person I am. I hope that life brings you nothing but bushels of happiness and I hope that one day you see yourself in the same way that I've seen you this whole time. You will always have a special place in my heart, and I hope that sometimes you think of me and smile at our memories because I always will.

Love,

The girl who loved you then and loves you still

Cover Image Credit: Google Images

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To My First Heartbreak

What you did was wrong but it has taken me four years to really understand what you did. I picked myself up and I haven't been this happy in a really long time.

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I was an innocent sophomore in high school who was still dealing with the loss of my dad. It was February of 2014, I fell head over heels for the boy who had finally noticed me. I spent a good portion of my middle school years trying to get myself noticed by him and somehow, many years later he did in our history class.

When he finally asked me to be his girlfriend, I was over the moon. I finally got the boy that I thought was perfect (insert Taylor Swift songs here).


I wish I could go back and tell 15 almost 16 year old me to avoid you like the plague. tumblr


News flash: he wasn't. I was young and naive, I thought I was happy until I really knew what I was getting myself into.

We were together for a year, but the last six months of the relationship was spent arguing over the stupidest things. He would tell me that I "needed to change" but I still was trying to figure myself out. It wasn't easy learning how to live without my dad. I had to build a new self and I was being constantly told that I wasn't enough, that no one would want me, and for awhile I believed him. I believed the terrible words he was telling me. I would cry myself to sleep as I would rethink the words he would yell at me over the phone. I really felt like I was in my own "White Horse" music video and I really was waiting for my Prince Charming to fix me and see me as the real me. I found him two years later and I haven't been happier.

You, my terrible first heartbreak, might have broken me and I might have had to build myself back up. But I was able to go through my grief without you telling me "that I just needed to get over it" and I was able to find someone who is so good for me. He has made me happier than you ever did. He gets me- he knows when I need my nuggets, he knows that my love for my horses comes first, and he will never make me choose between the two. You tried to isolate me and for awhile it worked. I felt alone and I felt like I had no one because for awhile, you only wanted me to have you.

They say you get three loves in your lifetime. You were one and two. Not everyone gets that terrible mix, but you were, and you destroyed me.


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My third (and final) love came into my life in a pizza shop. I knew him my whole life, he lived next to my best friend but we ended up working together. It was unexpected and it was good. He is perfect for me, he has built up the fragments you left behind. You left a broken girl, who was sick and tired of fighting, crying and thinking that she was nothing. He saw a girl who was funny and filled with hope and really terrible jokes but he saw the real her. The her that you couldn't seem to see.

My third love is one of few things I have done right in this almost 21 years of existence. He has showed me what it's like to be treated right. He has given me the world and then some, it is way more than you could ever provide for me.

My happily ever after, came after you and I am so thankful that it did. I'm thankful that I finally stood up for myself and left you even though I was terrified. I was terrified of the fact that you might be right, that no one would want me. It turns out you were so so wrong. I'm glad I got to prove you wrong because I really did believe you. It's not just about proving you wrong, but proving to myself that I am worth it. I am worth so much in life and you thought you could tear me down but I was able to rebuild. I was able to somewhat be my old self again and I was still trying to find it for the longest time. I would runaway from affection from other guys until I met my third love.

My third love, he is mine and I am his. You played me and manipulated me to the point I thought something was actually wrong with me. In reality, nothing was wrong with me, it was all your fault. Even though we both said things to one another that hurt, what you did was so wrong. You may have brought me down, but I rebuilt this empire that is the amazing person that stands here. She learned from her past mistakes, she overcame the words you used to hurt her and she walked away. Of course, she was bruised and scarred but she came out tougher and stronger. You created this boss ass bitch who wouldn't take crap from anyone and she did just that.

So even though you did all of these terrible things, I forgive you. I forgive you because I need to do that so I can move on and so that I can set an example for my future daughter who may come home with a boy like you. Perfect and charming but deep down, he would be a snake waiting for her to be vulnerable like I was, waiting for her to be an easy prey. Manipulative to the point where she might believe the lies that he's putting in her head.

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