One day you’re six and invincible, the next you’re sixteen and mourning the loss of the most influential person in your life. One day we'll meet again, at least that's what I tell myself when things get hard. It's times like now where all I want to do is hear your laugh and see your smile. I want one more hug and I wish I could've had one more day with you.
I miss you.
It's been four years and learning to live without you doesn't seem to get any easier. They say time heals all wounds but I'm starting to think that eventually you just get used to the pain. Losing you sent me into a whirlwind of emotions and that very same year I had lost more people than I could count on my fingers. I know it's not your fault and I know it's selfish, but I still wish you were here because there are some wounds only a best friend can heal. Someone once told me that people are never really gone, yes they leave and they aren’t here, but they aren’t truly gone. Their presence lingers because part of their soul remains somewhere in this broken world we live in. As crazy as it sounds, I swear part of you has attached itself to me and me to you because when you left part of me died too.
When we were kids I never imagined going through life without you. I didn't have a plan for that and when it happened, when I lost you, I lost myself. I think about you everyday and I hope I'm making you proud. We went through a lot together but that's nothing compared to what I'll go through without you. You missed me graduating high school, you weren't there to graduate high school, you didn't get to apply to college with me or celebrate when we got accepted, you don't get to meet my dog, you didn't help me move to Arizona, you didn’t make it to your 18th birthday or drink with me on my 21st, you won't be here to watch me walk across the stage and accept my degree, you won't be here on my wedding day or the day I have kids, you won't be here for anything and I hate that. I hate cancer for taking you away from me and I hate that it's still taking people away. I know you're always here in my heart giving me strength in my moments of weakness but it's not the same.
Your absence has helped me grow into the person I am, it’s given me the drive I need to succeed, and the will power to move forward. It’s given me the opportunity to look at life through the windshield and not the rear-view mirror. I can’t see you but I can feel you in my heart. I can’t hear you but I can look for the signs that you’re still with me. It took me quite some time to grieve properly, and I may have done it in ways I shouldn't have but at the time it felt right. I find comfort in how lucky I was to have had someone like you. Learning to mourn the loss of someone you love never gets easier no matter how many times you have to do it over. He wasn’t just anyone, he was my someone. You make your way into my dreams sometimes and I don't wanna wake up because I know the second I open my eyes you're gone and I'm forced back into reality. I often find myself thinking about you whether it's in an author you like, song lyrics, the CareBear on my bed or the necklace I wear every day. I'd give anything to hear you scream "that's my girl" one more time. I didn't have an older brother and you and yours were the epitome of that, so losing you both in a year was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Reminiscing about our childhood brings me to a place I sometimes never want to leave, it's my happy place.
Damn, I miss you so much.
Most people are born and merely just exist, but you lived. In your short 17 years of life you made everyone around you better. You made me better. You saw things in me I couldn’t see in myself and for that I appreciate you more than you could even imagine. You always saw the good in people despite their track record. You are the type of person I only dream of becoming because someone as loving, accepting and incredible as you doesn’t exist twice. I’ve got a lot of life left to live and it kills me knowing I don’t get to do it with you by my side but I want you to know that I’m okay. I may not be 100% right now, but eventually I will be and through every accomplishment I achieve I hope I make you proud. You are a vital part in the person I’m becoming and I love and miss you terribly. I am forever grateful you blessed me with your presence for all those years. I am so lucky to have been your best friend, thank you for being part of my life.
It's the sunny days where I miss you most because it's like you're here with me in the sunshine, the breeze or even the shadow that follows me. You resemble the most beautiful things in this world because you were such a beautiful soul. Thank you for being you, you are forever in my heart.
