Some days are harder than others. Today is one of those days. I miss you. I am always missing you. Today I am missing you a little more.
When I was little you taught me what unconditional love looks and feels like. I miss it everyday. People ask me "who is your biggest role model"? "Who has influenced your life the most"? I smile and I always say that it was you. Today I am an advocate for all people. I believe this is because of you. You taught me to love people, and love the ones that need it a little more.
It's always the little things. I see something that reminds me of you. I always cheer up a little bit. Other days those reminders are like a harsh wave of what I lost. When I lost you, I lost my biggest fan, favorite chef, best hugger, and most of all...I lost someone I love. All I gained was a guardian angel.
My time with you was short. In the time you taught me several life lessons. Don't jump on the furniture, say please, and always give people hugs goodbye.
When we lost grandpa I saw an amazing strong woman crumble to pieces losing the man she loves. I was so young. Then it hit me. Death is inevitable. I learned quickly that you could soon be taken from me. Our hugs got longer, and I listened to your stories much more intently.
I miss talking to you. I miss hearing your stories for the hundredth time. I miss you tucking me in at night. I miss the way you held me. I miss your voice. I am sitting in college now and I think about things you have missed in my life. My high school graduation was an extraordinary accomplishment for me and I was so sad that you couldn't see it. I think about you missing my college graduation, my wedding, my first child's birth. I wonder how one day I will try to tell my children about you. About your effect on my life. How do you explain that to anyone?
So here I am writing about you, mostly because I have written so much and I thought it was time. Also there has been a little voice inside my head all week. A little piece of you has been reaching out to me lately. I think you have noticed me struggling. You send me signs all the time. Don't you worry...I am getting those butterflies from heaven.
Grandma; I wish I could see you one more time and tell you how much you affected my childhood. I wish I could call you and tell you about all the amazing things I am doing. I want to go and visit you and sit with you and hold your hand and hug you. I want more than little reminders. I wear your ring everyday. The butterfly ring. It's on my left hand ring finger. And on that same hand I put a permanent reminder of that butterfly. I wear your cardigan often. These are my little pieces of you. I only wish I had more.
Memories just sometimes aren't enough. It's just what I am stuck with. But I always see the butterflies you send me. Thank you for being such a big part of my life. Thank you for constantly reminding me of how much you love me. Thank you for being my guardian angel.
