My midterm results returned satisfyingly high: an A in American History II, another A in Speech, and an A in Biology II- of all things! Another good round of exams! Part of what made these grades so satisfying was the genuine hard work I had put down during the previous two weeks. Feeling good about myself, I was obviously eager to see my grade on College Algebra. I had spent hours and hours, working problems and practicing formulas as needed. The test hadn’t even felt like that much trouble! Surely, this time things had-

A failing grade.

I watched my average plummet with my heart. Failed again. The drop date was in a few weeks and I now has to make a tough decision about whether I want to stick it out or not.

This isn’t a first. I’m one of those students: soaring grades in every other subject while just scraping by in math. It’s been that way since middle school, while I failed to grasp pre-algebra, to the chagrin of my tutors. While I clawed my way through a GED at 19 after briefly taken algebra through the local university: I was so embarrassed by my early grades that I vanished from the program soon after.

Math and I have had a rough history, and there is a weariness that accompanies a failing math grade, especially when you are so close to ridding yourself of the subject (thank goodness for the English major). And it’s not even that I dislike math; I’m a B student when all is good, and actually enjoy the puzzle-solving aspect of algebra. As a classmate once put it to me, "I'm great at math until someone puts a test in front of me."

The pressure becomes the enemy. The fear that comes with failing. This is especially awful when you are about to become a Junior. When you have honors and potential scholarships and so many classmates who already passed math because “math is so easy. Maybe you just don’t study enough? Maybe you need tutoring?”

The perfectionist in you just screams because you’ve done it all. You are so sure you are giving this topic 110%. You’re not the kid playing on his phone in the back. You’re not the one who skips class every other day. You are taking in the information like everyone says you should, but you realize that applying it is another matter. I have no formula for success in a math course, and could not tell you what results in my success (or failure) in those courses. You begin to wonder if you’re the problem: you’re the screw-up who’s never passing college because of an algebra class. Que the spiral into stress and sadness.

I often tutor for history exams and help proof English essays, since working in either subject feels more like a natural skill than work itself. My favorite story is a job I took some time last year. A woman in my History class was stressed; she could not seem to make above a D on the exams and asked for my help. She was sure she had no idea how to pass a history test. I took several sessions of breaking down the topic in a way that made more sense to her, which helped her overcome her anxiety a bit. She was excited to report she had passed the last tests with B’s.

It has taken a long time for me to understand that, despite what every SAT implies, math is not a defining trait of intelligence. Math is a skill and only becomes more finely tuned with practice, and practice can mean different things for different people. Learning is grasping what works best for you, and perhaps this is where math still gives even the brightest American students a great deal of trouble. It is taught with one formula and one result, with little flexibility for error or creativity. Even when the reality is that math is a rather creative form of critical thinking, we grow to dislike math for its nature and give up too easily. We, who are used to the instant spark and fire that comes with learning, are suddenly faced with something that requires more mental muscle, and this is where many choose to end their college journey. We become failures in math before we ever make an effort to see how we personally need to learn it.

I'm happy to say that I chose to stay in my College Algebra class for the semester, and will press on to finals. More hard work, homework, and uphill battles with tests, but the only way we truly succeed is through trying. It's likewise important to remember that one math course does not define you as a student, or as a person of intelligence. A tough class is simply a higher hurdle, and the only way we get through college is by challenging ourselves.