As you read this, I want you to know that I want what is best for you in this world. No matter what harsh words were said or the moments we have spent angry. I wish for your happiness in the end.
This isn't a ploy to trick you into falling in love with me again or to drag you down to an unhappy level. This is my way of gaining proper closure without bothering you at all. Let's face it, odds are you won't ever know this was written.
We started as friends and teammates on the track team. It was my sophomore year and your freshman year, life was good. We spent time together on and off the track because that's what friends did. We never knew it would turn into something more.
Flash forward to my senior year (your junior) and we started dating. You were definitely way more into it then I was. Obviously, I knew I would be graduating and that meant leaving you behind for college. It was destined to fail as a relationship. Who could expect us to succeed with me starting a completely new chapter and you wrapping up an old one?
If I am being completely and utterly honest with you. I thought about ending it early one because I was scared of my own feelings as well as yours. No relationship before this one made me feel secure and happy. You did that. You made me feel loved and wanted in a world that was falling apart before my eyes.
I can't thank you enough for seeing everything that I was and everything that I could be...well kinda. Obviously, you saw my ambition and I knew it scared you. It sometimes scares me too. Besides the fear of my independent attitude, you saw me as the beautiful mess that I clearly am. When my stress took over, you were there to comfort me and make me laugh. To this day, you are still the best boyfriend I have ever had and the only one I had ever loved.
And yet... I do not regret breaking up with you.
No matter how sick it made me and how bad of a person I and everyone else thought I was...it was for the best and I pray that you know that.
I didn't want our relationship to end in hatred so after a week of me working in Tennessee, I came home to shatter both of our hearts. I had been the busiest human all week and the lack of communication was obviously bothering you. Honestly, I was trying my best to juggle a long distance relationship, a full-time job, moving out, and keeping myself in career-ready mode. Clearly, I couldn't do it all and that wasn't fair to you at all.
After being picked up from the airport, I sobbed for two hours with my mom trying to tell her what I was feeling and asking her for advice to handle it. You know the decision that was made. I am not going to ignore the fact that my fear got the best of me and I should've handled the situation in a better way. BUT I messed up and didn't do it right. Nothing I can do to fix it now. When I thought I was saving you from more pain, I was just adding more. I know that no matter how much I apologize, I was wrong and I can't change that.
When I broke up with you, I STILL LOVED YOU. No matter what heartbreak I brought you, I still loved you as I sat there sobbing in your arms. I broke up with you because I wanted you to have better than what I could give you. I was moving on and I did not want to drag you with me through a life you didn't need to struggle with yet.
That's it. That's all I have to say at this moment in time as we are not really on the best of terms. I know I hurt you, but your words hurt too. I just wanted the best for both of us.
We have both moved on and I am hoping that one day we will be friends again.
Light and love,
Ky
