Dear You,
At the age of four you were taken away from my life. The imprint you left behind made it hard to ever accept that you never existed. There would always be random bouts of emotion that I would have to overcome because deep down inside I missed you. Never really knowing who you were or what you stood for, I missed you. I knew Mom wrote to you, and kept you in the know of everything I accomplished because you talk about it with everyone in your life.
In elementary school was when I received my first letter from you. I remember because at the time I was so upset that you did exist but were never around. The letter did however prove your love for me, and my younger siblings. I also remember that being the first time I found out about my younger siblings. When I look back on it, I realize that was the moment I was reminded of you. They mean everything to me, especially the little girl that looks just like me. But I also remember that being the last letter I received from you.
From the middle of elementary school to the ending of middle school I longed for you to be around. Hoping that maybe one day you would call and make your love known. I wondered if you ever thought about us, and if you ever tried to reach out, and maybe you did. Not having you around during this time taught me how to love myself for the both of us, because at the time I knew you existed and I knew where you were. There were many nights I asked God to send you back to me, because it wasn't that you passed but that you were locked away from us.
"Hey Princess", were the first words I ever remember you saying but the words startled me so much that I hung up the phone. Before this day so many things had transpired I was unaware of how much I needed you in my life, because of the fear that overtook me. But I am glad I let you in, and I am glad that Mom allowed you and I the chance to make the choice. I am glad that she afforded us the opportunity to meet in the flesh, although the phone calls became more frequent. There's nothing like being able to throw the sense of tangibility into a relationship that was only over phone calls.
Knowing that you love me was the greatest feeling, because although I told myself that me and mom loved me for the both of us, it was amazing knowing that you did. I wish that I lived closer because when everyone else talks about their fathers all I can say is that the relationship is there but it isn't tangible.
So now that I am only afforded the opportunity to write you, again, it does hurt. It takes me back to the memories of being made fun of while crying for you. Because they didn't think that I would ever be afforded the chance to reach out and touch you. Because they didn't believe that I would ever know you. I do hope that one day I would be able to look back and remember this moment, and look up at you as you walk with me into the next big moment in my life. Because even if nobody else believes in you, I always will.
Love,
Your first born.
