Spring break is a highly anticipated time in every college student’s life. If you watched as many weird coming of age party movies as I did growing up, you know that spring break mostly consists of dancing with very beautiful, evenly-spaced tanned people on vaguely foreign beaches. While this may sound like the safest of environments, there are some dangers associated with these spring break trips. For example, the danger of having too much fun! And also the danger of dying a terrible death. So, to help you make the most of your vacation, I have compiled this list of tips:
1. Don’t follow the herd. Use this spring break to be independent and really explore yourself. Avoid all friends and familiar faces in all contexts. You’ll be fine.
2. Be careful in the water. Ocean currents are no joke. Remember your neighbor’s breast implants can and should be used as a flotation device.
3. Know your limits. What human orifices are you willing to drink out of, and which are you not?
4. Don’t look like a tourist. People who don’t blend are more susceptible to being pick-pocketed. Paint yourself to look like a palm tree or vomit-filled red solo cup.
5. Hone your smelling skills. Foam parties have notoriously low visibility, and you might need to sniff a lost friend out.
6. Don’t drink tap water. Or bottled water. Or any kind of water. You are on spring break—water should not be your drink of choice.
7. Always carry a phone. If you’re lucky, you’ll drop it in a toilet and have a great excuse to get a new one.
8. Look out for your friends. If they are drinking more than you, be aware. They look way cooler than you, and you need to catch up.
9. Don’t stay on first floor. Rooms on the ground level of a hotel are more likely to be stolen from. Aim for a room on the highest floor or dig yourself a burrow right under the Tiki bar.
10. Pack the essentials. Key items include flip-flops, sunscreen and your one responsible friend.
11. Eat before drinking. Consuming alcohol on an empty stomach is dangerous!
12. Drink before eating. Man, Mexican food tastes better when you’re drunk.
13. Call your parents. They are thousands of miles away and can’t do anything to help you. Keep them updated on how many friends you have lost and how many STDs you have been exposed to. It will make them feel hopeless yet needed, which is nice.
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