Think back, let’s say, to when you were eight or nine. There you are at the table writing your lists to Santa, perhaps drinking eggnog with your parents and maybe eating some homemade Christmas cookies. If that is not the case, I am sure you have written one in class, or at least thought one up in your head. Well, this year, say goodbye to those lists to Santa and write a list to yourself.

A little personal background about me: I was vastly different than the girl I am today. Through some unhealthy relationships, family issues and bad friendships around 2014, I lost myself completely. I turned into someone I hated.

I was not nice to anyone, I lost many of the good friendships that I had, I was mean to my family, my brothers, and my parents- something I am not proud of at all. There were times my parents probably wanted to kick me out more than anything. I can sit here and blame my unhealthy relationship at the time, which I often did, but the person who allowed that change to happen was me.

We can blame hard times on mental and emotional abuse of the people around us, which is reasonable; I am sure you all could agree. However, realistically, we all have the power to remove ourselves from those situations and relationships and I did not. I turned into monster. I did not feel or care, and I did not like it. I was not happy with the person I was. I had no self-esteem, my depression and anxiety were at an all-time high, and I did not think I had anyone on my side. I did not even notice the person I had turned into when everyone around me started to hate me-- I noticed it when I started to hate myself. I then realized enough was enough and I needed to make a change.

I believe that the only way to grow is from looking back and reflecting on the past. So, that is what I did. I locked myself in my room one day and I just wrote. I wrote about why I was upset, and I wrote down the specific events that I thought were key parts in the process of losing myself. Then, I wrote a list. On one side, I wrote things I did like about myself, and on the other the things I did not. I then wrote a list of things I wanted to change. Here is that list:

•Stop putting everyone else first

•Do not let boys control your life and make you upset

•Stop searching for something to hold onto

•Stop assuming everyone has this hidden good side, and stop going out of your way to find it

•Be patient, be kind, and be graceful

•Be a kid, stop being so serious

•Be nice to your family and spend more time with them

•You have body goals… GET TO THEM

•Stop trying to rush everything, take your time and enjoy the little things.

•No one can read your mind, do not expect them to

•Be bold, stop taking shit from everyone

So, the journey to find myself began. It started by finding a good group of friends. Once that happened, I started to become more confident, I smiled more, laughed more, enjoyed life a little more. At that point I took the time to just concentrate on myself. Every little thing stopped being such a big deal. I became patient and I fell in love with the smallest things that made me happy. I cried myself to sleep from laughter rather than tears for the first time in a long time.

Month after month, little pieces of myself kept coming back. I started working out more, writing, relaxing, focusing on school, and spending time with the few people who actually cared about me as much as I cared about them. I was happy for the first time in years. This journey would not have been possible if it was not for that list I wrote to guide me. That list gave me a step by step guide on how to fix my life and turn it around for the better. I’d say that’s better than any list Santa could bring you an item from.

Forgiveness is hard. Many people have done bad things to me, and it is likely that many people have done bad things to you. In my opinion, the point where you are able to forgive the person and move on is when you have grown the most. However, forgiving does not mean you should let them back into your life. A good friend once told me that being in your life should be a privilege. You need to find your happiness on your own without those negative influences, and when you are ready that is when you make the decision on whether they get the privilege to come back into your life, or not.

Finding yourself, or finding your happiness, is something often challenging. A lot of the time it is something you need to do on your own. However, you cannot kick people out to do it. Often times you will find that you need to do things on your own, by yourself, for yourself. But that is not to say that having someone by your side won’t help either. Sometimes when all you see are flaws, having someone there that sees everything great you have to offer is so beneficial. Even if you do not think you are enough, someone else out there thinks that you are.

I encourage anyone who is trying to find themselves to make a list. That one list changed my life, and I know it could do the same for you. You can start with a couple things, and work on those, or write a long 30 bullet list and just dive right in.

However, you need to remember that being happy is a mood. Just like being sad. Your mood changes often, and as long as you have more good or happy days than bad, I would say you are doing alright. Even though we constantly search for happiness, there will always be something else we can change.

There will always be something that we do not like about ourselves, and something we can get down about. Just like forgiveness, acceptance will lead you to a significant more amount of good days. Accepting the fact that you have flaws, and that you need to work on them, but being okay with those flaws will lead to happiness. If you are always getting down on yourself about all the bad things, you will miss out on all the good things. Your list will be filled with certain flaws, and imperfections- some of which you will need to learn to accept will not change, or will take an extensive amount of time.

With that being said, my name is Shelby Lynn Corbett. I soon will turn 21 years old. I have stretch marks, acne, a big forehead and chubby cheeks. I think my legs are a little too big, I am often afraid to wear shorts or a bathing suit, I wish I was more tan than I am, and my hair is obnoxiously thin. My room is ALWAYS a mess and I have a constant craving for Pepsi and Wendy’s chicken nuggets. I have made an immense amount of progress based off my list but I still have so many things I need to do.

Even though I have a few things that I still do not like about myself I finally feel confident. I have decided to focus on the good things and not the bad. I have an amazing family and a great group of friends that make my heart pound from joy. The moment that I realized what I needed to change, that some of my flaws were more acceptable than I thought, and that I was blessed with more than I ever knew, was the moment that I chose happiness. I encourage you to start that list and do the same.