Everything looks different for someone with anorexia or really any mental illness. Certain things are more noticeable and others take on a whole new meaning.
The walk to school or work is an opportunity to burn more calories. When the hot water runs out it is an excuse to have a cold shower and burn more calories. Being home alone means guilt free fasting. It means working out in the living room and not worrying if someone sees you. It means being able to wear a tank top. It means finally leaving your bedroom. It also means filling a pot of water and dumping it out. It means taking dry pasta out of the bag and throwing it into a hidden garbage in your room. It means faking a meal and going to bed with a stomach that growls louder than the screams in your head.
Food doesn't have the same appeal, the calories flash before your eyes before you even being to eat. The noise it makes causes your stomach to churn and your heart to fill with dread. The second after you eat you are instantly bigger, your steps are louder and everything weighs more.
Baths aren't relaxing as they are just a constant reminder of all the things you should be improving but instead all you are doing is laying in a tub of your own filth.
TV is only acceptable to watch if you are doing some sort of exercise with it.
The thought of eating out is terrifying because calories add up so quickly. Everything is fried and carbs seem to live in every single meal.
When parents or roommates work late it is a chance to run a little longer, to go a little farther to push a little harder. No one will notice if you can barely stand up when you get home if your legs are so tired you can't get up the flight of stairs.
The world is morphed, it is twisted and everything has to do with weight. Everything is either an opportunity to burn calories or to get fat. It is black and white; eating is bad being hungry is good.
It means seeing things that no one else does. It means feeling a strange connection to a stranger and an obligation to notice and protect their secret as you do your own.
Certain things stand out more. Looking in different places brings up someone's dirty secret. The scars on someone else's wrist are more visible. The sweaters on hot days and that certain way of twisting an arm to hide the cuts. Looking at someone's scars and making eye contact and the fear in their eye that you may not understand and you might dare to ask about them.
You notice when someone skips a meal, denies a snack or plays with their food instead of eating it. The slight of hand that makes food disappear into the napkin catches your eye and you watch as they finish their meal without eating anything.
Every third day that person you sit near in the cafeteria throws out a whole tray of food as their friends laugh without noticing the tears glimmering in the eyes of their friend.
The way that girl's thighs no longer touch as they did 3 weeks ago, or how he never takes his shirt off like the other boys. How while they go to the gym and tease him for never joining he goes home to do his own workout regime that would put theirs to shame.
When a person pops a pill and has to use the bathroom a few minutes later and the other who is always drinking tea.
The little things stand out more like way a person's eyes light up when they see their food coming but your stomach is filled with dread. Like hearing a person puking in a restaurant bathroom, or someone crying behind closed doors. The puffy eyes that tell the truth of a night spent sobbing into a pillow. The sadness behind a person's eyes after they say everything is fine feels like a thorn in your heart because you feel it too. You feel it all. You see it all. You keep your secret and you keep the secret for those around you.
The world is different and it will always be different for someone with anorexia. Once you have experienced a mental illness it leaves an everlasting impact on you. Nothing is ever the same.
