When I graduated college in 2014, I thought that my life was done changing immeasurably. Sure, I was graduating and leaving friends behind, but they say college is the best four years of your life. That the people you meet there are your friends for life, you’ll never replace the memories and the things you’ve learned. Because of this, I didn’t think that my life would drastically change again. But for as amazing as my college experience was, I wish I had known just how things change after college if you join the reality of the real world within 6 months of graduating. Graduating from Marist College in New York, I had created my authentic sense of self. Who I was in college was who I wished I could have been my entire life, for better or worse, because I had never been happier with what I was doing or who I was surrounded by.
1. Moving to a new city is the same thing as moving into freshman year
Moving to the City of Boston was the best thing I could have done for myself. I was not the type that wanted to live with Mom and Dad, have my meals cooked for me and my bills paid. I wouldn’t grow as a person if I did that, and quite frankly, I wouldn’t motivate myself to strive for something better than a suburban town I outgrew when I was still living there as a kid.
So moving into Boston, a city I grew up near but not in, was a big change for me. I realized quickly that I basically didn’t know anyone. I knew a few people here and there, but they weren’t the type of people I would hang out with every weekend or go to dinner with after work. It reminded me so much of freshman year, in the sense, that you do not know anyone and you have to get involved and get out there if you want to meet someone other than your roommate(s). Realizing I couldn’t spend every moment with my roommates because quite frankly, they sucked, I had to set out on my own and find things. I joined a gay basketball league in Boston, and that is where I met almost all of my friends. Like minded individuals with common interests and hobbies. I jokingly refer us to a drinking league with a basketball problem.
But I see these people outside of basketball, which makes it so rewarding. These people have become a second family to me, the same way I’m meeting new people in the gay flag football league I’m doing. It’s almost the same thing as changing a club freshman year, and meeting your new best friend. Except, this time, you can do adult things. It’s bigger and better.
2. Doing It Alone
When you get dropped off at college for freshman year, you’re told that you have a new found independence. Mom and Dad aren’t there to tell you to eat your vegetables, do your homework, and get some exercise.
You have to figure out how to make yourself do all these things. But that pales in comparison to being a college graduate. You’re on your own again, but this time, you have to learn how to pay your bills without some sort of payment plan, go to the grocery store, cook dinner, get ready for work the next day. Gone are the hours in-between classes you could nap, lay out with friends. You are independent, but you have got shit to do. You are a grown ass adult, and you need to act that way. If you want to hit the clubs on the weekend, make sure you get anything done you need to before Sunday when you’re hungover and at brunch. You quickly realize the weekend is a time to relax…while getting ready for work on Monday. You’re responsible for yourself, no one else is going to do things for you. The R.A. won’t be there to solve roommate issues, campus security won’t be there to keep you safe, and Rosa in the Dining Hall won’t be there to help feed you.
Being an adult means making decisions independently. While your parents can always be there to help you see clarity or just give parental opinions, ultimately, only you can decide what is best for yourself and your best interest. My mother and father have never once made my decisions for me since I left for college, they’ve always helped me to see what I should do but in a way that I had to come to these conclusions themselves.
3. "FRIENDS"
Monica, Rachel, Joey, Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross are not waiting for you at Central Perk. As a child of the 1990’s, "Friends" was a staple of my television years as a kid. I cried with the series ended and dreamed of living that life. But as I quickly learned, it was a big fat lie. Your college roommate isn’t going to be by your side forever, your big brother isn’t going to let you hang out with his friends, your roommate isn’t going to pay your bills while you look for an acting job, and Phoebe won’t be there to clean your aura when you find out you married a lesbian.
In short, forget what you know about living in a city because you don’t know anything. You will not see your best friends every day. I haven’t seen my best friend in over a year, because we don’t live in the same city and we both have jobs that require our attention or else we get fired. People continue to come and go from your life, and you have to determine whose worth fighting for. Coming out of college, there was an endless list of people I would have taken a bullet for. Now, I can’t say the same thing because we’ve all moved on. You find out some people are jerks, fakes, bullies, and introverts, whatever. You learn to be your own best friend, and make yourself happy.
Living in a city now, I don’t depend on other people to make me happy. I depend on others as a form of secondary happiness. The biggest mistake I made when I first moved is depending on friends, boyfriends turned ex-boyfriends to provide me some sort of happiness. Now being removed from them, I've learned that loving myself is the most important element to my life. I don't say that in a way riddled with arrogance, but if anyone else will ever love me, I must first love myself.
Living in a city is an incredible experience. You learn everything about yourself you either didn’t learn in college or didn’t retain. The ride or die friends are the ones who truly stick with you, you learn to love yourself in the best way possible, and you learn to find happiness in experiences you have verse people. I don’t regret living in a city, forking over money for rent. You can put a price tag on rent, on utilities, but you can never put a price tag on happiness. Growing up in the suburbs, I dreamt of living in a city and doing whatever came along with that. I think in retrospect, that’s why I idolized the cast of shows like FRIENDS and Will & Grace, because what they had, I wanted. And while naturally, I realize I can’t have exactly that, I’m the star of my own life and I’m doing what is best for me.
