When I went into high school, alcohol was one of the first peer pressures I had met. I remember during freshman year my friends and I split this huge bottle of vodka to see what it was like, or if we’d get ‘drunk.’ I still to this day don’t fully understand why we wanted to be or act so old. We didn’t think to take into account what it was doing to our bodies, or better yet, our minds.
I guess no one underage did. That was the fun of it, right? Drowning our souls in liquid poison so we’d feel loopy, or more confident, or anything, really. I didn’t actually start to socially drink until the end of sophomore, beginning of junior year, but now, I wish I hadn’t.
Looking back on it, it was obviously hell being at the age where you were too old to trick or treat but too young to see a rated R movie. We felt so misunderstood -- it was like we were always being babied. We’d do anything to just feel like we were a part of something meaningful and big, like the ‘adult’ world.
Everyone did it. You’d see albums upon albums on Facebook with red solo cups in every other photo, and wish you were invited to that party, too. In this culture, you’d feel not only like a loser if you didn’t participate, but invisible.
In the beginning of my junior year, I endured my first heartbreak and lost who I thought was a best friend at the time. This person was nowhere near the person whom I had met or come to know. But because they no longer had control over my emotions, they wanted to control how others perceived me. I was in a vulnerable state of truly hating myself because of what was being said about me, and from the betrayal of losing someone whom I deeply trusted.
At that point, I started going out and partying with my friends basically every single weekend to cushion the blow of existence. To be honest, my happiness depended upon my social life instead of myself. If I weren’t with my friends, I’d panic. When we went out, I was distracted. I was having a good time. I was meeting new people, older people. I felt OK with the single life, because I had this loose, alcohol-fueled confidence.
90% of the time that I drank that year, my head would end up in a toilet towards the end of our nights. I’d also have what they call, “beer tears.” I’d bawl my eyes out for now very evident reasons, but at the time, I wasn’t listening to them. I wasn’t there for nor was I taking care of myself. Instead of being honest, I was picking myself apart in an attempt to be everything others wanted me to be.
I thought binge drinking was fun, until I realized why I was actually doing it. It is only now that I can look back and say that I was apparently drinking for the worst reasons. I was always looking to numb or suppress myself, out of the frustration of hearing my name come out of too many people’s mouths; people who had absolutely no knowledge of who I was. It’s like I wanted to kill something in myself, and I repeatedly tried to shielding my pain behind liquor. I was a coward.
When I say I wish I hadn’t started so early, it has nothing to do with tolerance, but the emotional and physical damage my body now associates with alcohol. Sometimes I feel like I’m missing out on ‘of age’ drinking life because of how heavily I abused the underage lifestyle. My friend’s, who used to know me as a party animal, now know me more popularly as the sober driver. Even they pick fun at me for being such a lightweight, but its way deeper than hating the taste of liquor.
When I drink now, I not only get sick extremely easily, but I feel depressed. No matter how little I drink, or how much I’ve eaten, there is always this lingering, sinking desolation inside of my alcohol-laced veins. After all, it is a depressant, and I’ve learned the hard way.
Instead of drinking my personality traits away, I have come to unearth healthier coping mechanisms that help the occasional blows of existence. I have realized that back then, I took my body, the home to my soul, for granted. My entire being is something meaningful and big, I'm not sure why I was looking anywhere else for my well being but me. I am no longer looking towards a spiked drink to boost my confidence, or social abilities, because I accept and love me. And I surround myself with people who can respect that.
