2018 started out great. Then it hit me all at once. It's been a difficult month.
A dark and horrible month. My mind is racing, and my heart is heavy. And with this, I've closed every door and I've shut down. Don't get me wrong, I still manage to function on good days. But I have to "fake it till you make it" because I have no choice; I have to get up and face the world. You may have noticed my fake smiles, the way I have been busying myself (or at least trying to) with small, almost productive tasks to try not to overthink and over analyze situations and to help get me through the day.
The thing about depression is that it isn't a list of textbook symptoms. In some ways it is, but I feel hopeless and worthless. Some nights I can't sleep and almost everyday I have a crying episode for god knows why. I am more than a page of bullet points and warning signs and I am more than a WebMd article.
I am an 18 year old girl with depression. A living, breathing person with a mental illness, but I don't let it define who I am as a person.
Depression often feels surreal. Sometimes I feel angry, volatile, and overly emotional and other times I am completely numb. It hurts to think and to feel because I am devastated, broken, I am a shell of myself. And nothing makes sense. Everything I knew and know and once believed now seems silly and stupid in this new found state of mind. But they say that God works in mysterious ways and I'm going to wait for the sign.
Even though I have depression, I'm not depressed 24/7. I'll have months of feeling great and happy and then it all hits. And when you try to tell people about what you're feeling you get the usual "you're just being emotional" or "are you PMS-ing?".
Depression makes me feel as if I'm living in a house of cards: one misstep and it all falls down. One skipped breath and I'll fall down.
I cannot give up, I won't be silenced. I will keep fighting. That's what life with depression is: a fight. A scary, painful fight.
It's a fight worth having. My life, and every life, is a life worth living. With depression and without.
