I took a deep breath, quickened my pace, and focused. I concentrated on my inner and physical movements as I pushed to reach the lining of the sunset at the end of the road. I couldn’t feel my body – everything seemed to feel numb. My mind was racing, my heart was excessively beating, and my lungs felt empty. I began to sprint. This time, I didn’t focus – I just ran as fast as I could. This feeling of intensity and adrenaline suddenly covered me in goosebumps. This was the moment I felt a true runner’s high and I never wanted to get rid of that weightless feeling.
I fell in love with running that day. I face what I need to confront and step away from the baggage attached to my deepest fears. It became a commitment, an obligation that created two variables of time and distance. Run parallel without changing the path I’ve grown to know or cut through the grass and follow a different way home. I run to be present. I run to feel unprotected against the elements and forces of my surroundings by reminding myself that I must experience the unknown.
“Push faster.” “Run longer.” “Reach your limits.”
Running appreciates me the same way I rely on it. Running understands my inner secrets and protects the pain I suffer from. Running gives me the time to think about the reasons for why I her days exploring the cold, frigid, forest ground. I feel weak in the knees every time I experience the moment of a runner’s high. I lose myself in strength, energy, and grace – everything is suddenly perfect.
My reason for running the first time was out of anger; I felt like I was completely out of control. I was running out of patience. I was running out of options. I ran until I was out of breath until my speed and strength couldn’t be built up any more. This feeling of running out of something doesn’t last, but it still exists. That glimpse of relief existed for a moment and it pushed me to run harder. The high created a torment of the pain I had to feel in order to escape my darkest thoughts. The chase helped me push through my weaknesses and reach a place that I can strive for. A place that takes worries and sadness away and replaces it with comfort and security.
Running is my Vice. My Escape. My Ritual. Running comforts every new stage of my life. Until recently, running was the way I grew to forget what had happened in my life, but now running it is my inspiration. Running is my addiction. My distraction.
I can’t force myself to change, but I can continue to give running the best shot I have. I can’t forget or regret the things in my life but I have the power to run away from the fear. Run away from the uncertainty. Run away from the negativity.
The woman who ran that day has the strength to stand on her own two feet, no matter how aged, cracked, and bruised they are, her endurance is visible. The pain and pleasure of life’s hardships take me to a place I’ve never seen before. The place I have fallen in love with. To the place I so graciously learned to accept and will always keep running back to. My courage, energy, and security will never run out.
