When choosing what college I would attend, I applied to nine out-of-state schools and one in-state school. My goal was to get out, like many of my peers, and to get away from the life that I was being forced to live. I wanted to find myself, break free, and finally experience what real freedom felt like. I feel trapped in my small town full of hard memories and was ready to start completely fresh.
So, I ran.
Instead of dealing with some of my problems at home, I ran 1,800 miles away to a little school called Virginia Tech.
When you are a runner like me, getting out and starting fresh somewhere always seems like the best option but last night I was proven wrong. I'm so used to being able to leave places permanently that hold sad memories and avoid people completely who have hurt me or I have hurt.
Hard family life? Move.
Bad breakup? Leave town.
Rejection? Delete all evidence.
Through avoidance, I find healing. I can emotionally process things by myself and make better decisions if I am by myself for periods of time. But also, I geographically run away. This could mean go to a far away school, leaving my college town for the weekend, or even avoiding a certain building on campus that I used to like. I just like having that power; the power to run away from emotional hardships in whatever I can. But in no way is that the healthiest decision I have ever made. Sometimes the world catches up to me and hits me like a freight train.
But last night was different. I had nowhere to run after intense emotional distress. I felt like the world was closing in around me and I was drowning. Yeah, I went on a joy ride around town to try to keep myself together, but I couldn't run too far because I had a meeting to attend to that evening. I spent my whole hour and half meeting trying not to cry and implode, but when I got home, everything changed because in my living room were the four best friends a girl could ever ask for. My roommates, my big and my little knew that I wouldn't ask for help so they just decided to show up and love me unconditionally. It was like one of those movie scenes where I open the door and see all my friends there wanting to help me through something when I lost it. I cried my eyes out, ate all the goodies they brought to me and verbally processed all the emotions that I was trying to balance. I had never had those kind of people who would drop everything for me and just let me cry. They just let me be me. I felt so full of love which was an emotion I thought I would never experience again.
When people go to college or rush a sorority or join a club, they look to be a part of something so that they can feel like they belong and like they are loved. And I have been so lucky to find my people. It would be pointless for me to sit here and try to put into words how much love I felt in that room and how I did absolutely nothing to deserve it. But for some reason, I am blessed enough to have a group of friends that make me hang up my running shoes and be in things for the long run. Sorry, Nike, New Balance and Reebok, I am trading up for house slippers that are only worn in one place and worn with love.
Fellow runners like me, find your people, your life will change when you realize you have them.
