A letter for my support system,
I am so sorry that you have entered my life when I have not yet learned to deal with the demons in my head. They tell me how worthless I am. They tell me how undeserving I am to have friends. They make me isolate myself and they make me hurt myself. I can go days and not leave my room. I know you sit and wonder if there is something you can do, or at least say to snap me out of this. You wish that you could take me out and distract me but you worry the energy that I do have needs to be used to keep myself alive. You go to bed wondering if I'm going to wake up the next day. You wonder what the next impulsive decision is that I am going to make. You wonder who is going to be the next one to get lashed out on. You walk on eggshells so you don't say the wrong thing and so you don't set off the bomb inside me. You wonder why I haven't talked to anyone in weeks. You wonder why I have fallen down once again.
I'm here to tell you that I am so sorry. You treat me like I am some kind of fragile delivery that already had some cracks in it. This was my war to fight and yours to never be brought into. I'm sorry that I yell and cry when you say something wrong. All these emotions are overwhelming me and I don't know how to feel them without feelin all of the bad emotions. I'm so sorry that you think that you are the reason I have most of my breakdowns. Sometimes I have emotional episodes and I'm not so sure why they are happening. A simple scent or sight can trigger my downfall. I am damaged but I promise I am capable of talking about the things that have hurt me and nothing that you could possibly say wrong could make the pain feel worse. I'm sorry that I call you when the sun is rising because I'm scared of the thoughts running through my head. I'm sorry that I forget to ask how your day was going. I'm sorry that you have to witness my panic attacks and zone outs. You have to tip toe around me and try to pick me back up all at the same time.
However, with every I'm sorry, there is also a thank you. A thank you for picking up the phone even though you felt like your eyes were gonna drown out the world for the night. A thank you for letting me crawl into bed with you at night. A thank you for holding me while I cried, wishing I was dead. A thank you for hugging me when I deserved to be hated. A thank you for the pictures that calm my thoughts. A thank you for the continuous effort to try and understand. This was my war to fight and yours to never be brought into; but you stepped on to the battle field right next to me and held my hand while we faught together. You could probably never understand the appreciation I have for each of you who have chosen to stay in my life.
With much love,
The girl blessed with the most amazing group of people
