To begin, I would like to state that for the purposes of this debate viewing/drinking fiasco, that I'm writing this while playing and then editing sober. If you wish to play along, I chose the Buzzfeed set of rules for the third debate. Drink responsibly (or don't, or just don't drink. We're gonna suffer enough either way after this mess is over).

Chris Wallace welcomes us to the third, and final debate of the presidential election. Hopefully he can hold his own against these two a little better than the last moderators. He states the rules and regulations (most of which I know will be ignored before ten minutes have passed). Introducing the nominees, he starts with the supreme court for the first topic.

Hillary answers first and notes that she feels the supreme should stand tall and represent the people in our governmental process. I find it funny that she mentions how corruption has affected our electoral system (how did she get the DNC to choose her again?). Oh, and she mentions the phrase “together” so of course I take a shot. Not even a minute in and this drinking game is going well.

Trump responds to the question stating that the supreme court needs to uphold the second amendment because it’s under such trauma (ignoring that we’ve had quite a record breaking decade of mass shootings. Not that I’m against it, I just find it funny that he ignores why it’s under attack).

Thank god guns weren't part of this drinking game, because I’d be done before the first ten minutes.

Chris brings up in the open ten minutes that the NRA fully supports Trump and this causes about six minutes of bickering between the two candidates over who stands for what with the gun laws. Shit, Hillary mentions “together” again. There goes another; good thing the bar is cheap.

Issue two: Abortion. Oh I’m gonna love this one. Trump wants to make it so that pro-life justices can be chosen so that Roe V. Wade can be overturned. Although he also states that this will go back to the states to ultimately choose, that’s still a pretty archaic outlook. Hillary responds that not only does she intend to uphold Roe V. Wade, but supports Planned parenthood, which offers more than just contraceptive methods and also offers valuable cancer screenings. Oh shit, abortion is a key phrase. Well, guess I’m finishing this beer. Oh my god, Trump just stated that women abort at the ninth month. What? Is that even a thing? A quick reference on google, such as this article on Vox citing actual doctors that state otherwise, unless a dire health concern comes up concerning the mother or the child.

Issue Three: Borders. She mentions wikileaks, Russia, and hacking in the first ten seconds. Well, now my bartender is just pouring me sympathy shots. I love how Trump actually calls Hillary out on swapping from open borders to Putin. On how he’s on “Radical Islamic Terrorism,” like it’s going out of style. But now fuck he has to say tremendous, and now states they’re not best friends (Putin and himself). Hillary mentions Russia is trying to affect our election (how many emails did she delete again? Crap, if I say email, do I have to drink?). Oh shit, Chris is actually losing it on them now. Moving into immigration, Clinton wants to create a way to help more people become citizens to boost our economy while Trump wants to evict most all illegal immigrants. And more apparently? I’m still not sure how building a wall is going to prevent us from getting Heroin from Mexico. Does he understand how planes work? Both of them talk about border patrol and security, and now we’re back on Bill. Is Bigly a word? Shit, it actually is an adverb of “big” (there goes that twenty bucks). I’m sorry, now they’re talking about nuclear codes? How did we even get here? Also, I think Hillary just literally explained the process of nuclear launch codes. Like… is that even allowed?

Issue Four: The economy. (Thank God we have Chris, he’s actually forcing them to stay on topic as much as possible). I’m really confused about how Trump is mad that we as a country are outsourcing jobs, when he has so much of his business products coming from overseas? Like, there’s visible proof from literally dozens of articles like this one.

I actually got up and walked outside for a smoke at this point. I started laughing. This can’t be real, we can’t seriously have spent so much money, and over a year’s time to end up with these two asshats. I almost never care about politics, but this is such a massive, shocking disrespect for the entire policy of our electoral process and the rights and regulations of United States citizens. How are we just okay with this as a country? I have friends losing their shit over each other's opinions of the other’s candidates. They don’t even get that there’s so much going on beyond these two people, that our government and the facilities connected to it are steadily growing out of control.

Maybe I’m just reading a lot into all the news that’s coming out recently. Who knows. I get back in to them arguing over Hillary rigging the election to smear Trump’s (not like he really needs anyone to try for it) name with money backed by Wall Street investors. And now he’s going to keep everyone in suspense over his reaction to the election results. What the hell?

Oh good, now we’re talking about how much of a baby Trump has been. I don’t even know how many shots I’ve missed, I’m just gonna finish this beer too. Holy crap, did Donald Trump just quote Bernie Sanders? Did Hillary just quote Bernie Sanders as a rebuttal? Are both candidates still arguing over a candidate that should have been here instead of either of them? Damn this debate is getting weird.

Issue… I don’t know, I lost track. But Allepo, a Syrian city torn asunder by the current war. Hillary just essentially dismissed answering how she actually could start a war. She wants a no fly zone, but what happens if she imposes it? This is such an awkward debate: it's like neither of them can pick a topic to answer, so they take turns while the other talks shit.

Final issue is both of them discussing their plans for how to fix the national debt, specifically how to fix and rebuild entitlements. While Trump proposes cutting taxes to promote spending of bigger businesses and replacing Obama Care, Hillary wants to fix the latter and increase taxes to fix these issues. And after another fifteen minutes of banter, both have to deliver an on the spot, closing speech.

Honestly at this point I'm sick to my stomach and wonder why I even wanted to write this in the first place. I down another drink and leave the bar to cool off outside. The only solace I take in all of this is knowing I can still (for now, at least), go to the beach and look up at the stars and ignore the rest of the world. At least I still can do that.