We all get a little down on ourselves, right? Picking out our insecurities, the constant feeling of not feeling good enough, you name it; you and I have felt that at one point. It’s just a bad day, not a bad life, they all say. It really is hard to get out of that mindset, the constant dragging and tearing yourself down. In middle school and the start of high school, I didn’t really know how overweight and unhealthy I was. I was made fun of constantly, but I always thought they were laughing with me and not at me. I was a walking joke to everyone.
Although I have (mostly) fixed my obesity issue, and no longer am I considered medically overweight, I still won’t take my shirt off at the pool with my friends because I don’t feel like I look good enough. I still get called fat, sometimes not sure if it is a joke or not, but I want to do better, and I am doing everything I can to be the person I want to be.
Since then, I have learned a lot about myself and others. Ends of friendships, a school change, and some other positive things have made me realize how narrow-minded I used to be. However, here are a few things I wish I told my middle school self.
Let those words roll off your back. Anyone who has experienced moderately-severe bullying like I have knows darn well that you never really let go of every little thing that they say. I remember in elementary school, there was an analogy. “If you hammer a nail into a fence, then remove the nail from the fence, the hole is still there even when the nail is gone.” I think that is a great analogy, and I agree with it. Sometimes it’s hard to let go what is said about you, but caring about other people’s rude and pointless opinions should not affect your self-image, be happy that by the grace of God you woke up (maybe) happy and healthy. Just because some jerk told you at lunch to go eat another twinkie doesn’t mean you have to care about what they think. It’s time-wasting.
You are loved. This was a big one back in the day. Those days of middle school rejection and self-distancing due to people being mean is not worth the emotional self-hurt you deliver yourself. I am grateful that I never had thoughts of hurting myself and others, and that eventually, all I needed was a school change. People love you no matter what, one of the easiest things in this world is to convince yourself that nobody truly loves you and accepts you for you. There is nothing better in this world than hearing the three words, “I love you”. Young Matt, you are loved. By your family, your (real) friends, by your two dogs and three cats, and especially your Great-Grandmother, Mimi.
Apply yourself. With a high school GPA of around 3.8 currently, you would never know that I had so much trouble with grades and that I failed my eighth grade english class and finished all my other classes with around a D. Silly Matt would always be playing Call of Duty while drinking Mountain Dew or watching dirt bike videos on Youtube. You gotta learn how to balance play and school. Luckily, my skills have improved and today I am much better with that. Although senioritis has hit me a bit, I am trying.
People who are worth it will love you for who you are. Self confidence, especially in the awkward years of middle school, is hard to come by. For me, the lines were blurred between genuine people and people who were your friend for the wrong reasons, or who were your friend off and on. Patience, young grasshopper. Let the right people come to you, and things will be okay.
I am not really ashamed of my past self. I embrace it as a positive experience in the long run. Without it, I don’t think I would appreciate all of my friends and family as much. Today I have a lot of good friends, playing with the Varsity soccer team (finally), and feeling pretty good about life in general. I am flying, working on my private pilot's license for college, and focusing on two jobs, school, and sports. I’d say I have my life pretty well figured out for now. I love myself and accept myself, and I am glad that my overall outlook on life has improved.
