We are part of a society in which we are encouraged to spend anywhere from 12-18 hours per week in a classroom, where we then take notes and fry our brains on subjects of our choice. As if that isn’t enough, we’re then expected to be "responsible adults" and take what we’ve learned in each class and apply it to another 75-670 hours of extra work in our precious free time, because that supposedly helps us in "real life." It’s almost like professors think we chose this hell bent path on our own. Honestly, It’s absurd.
On any given day, there are a plethora of things I’d rather do than my homework. Here are just a few.
1. Light my toes on fire and watch them smolder.
Extra points for this one if you’re wearing flammable nail polish on your toenails.
2. Cut my fingernails just short enough so that they bleed.
There’s something magical about that special length that warms my heart and makes everything in life a little bit brighter.
3. Walk on hot lava barefooted.
Consider it some sort of spa treatment.
4. Take a pan of burnt brownies out of the oven without oven mitts.
I’d then probably eat the brownies with my newly blistered hands just to prove my point.
5. Walk around public in the nude.
By public, I mean the streets of New York City.
6. Eat a bowl of stale bran cereal with rotten almond milk.
Perhaps with a spoon that hasn’t been washed since the last person mixed her tuna salad with it, just for dramatic effect.
7. Go over to a friend’s house at a time in which said friend is being scolded by her parents.
The best part of my childhood was watching my friends crumble at the words of their parents and just having to sit and suffer through it with no rock to crawl underneath.
8. Sleep with a dirty diaper as my pillow.
I heard somewhere that baby feces act as a nice exfoliator for skin.
9. Intentionally slice my shinbone and Achilles tendon while shaving, without shaving cream.
Not only would this require a lot of self-control, but also the water in my shower would turn a beautiful shade of red.
10. Send a Facebook invitation to each and every cockroach on this planet inviting him or her to have a slumber party in my bed for a night.
I would, of course, warn them first of my sleeping habits and apologize in advance to those I would crush in my sleep.
So, if the homework you agree to complete when you apply for college ever sounds dreadfully horrific, just take a quick glance at this list and imagine the fun you could be having instead.
