Is everyone OK at looking at themselves in the mirror and finding everything just practically perfect in every way? Pardon the Mary Poppins pun, but I really wonder, because when I look in the mirror, I can always see the scars that I have.

Yes, I have worked through trying to fix some of those scars but nothing seems to quite work. It seems like they have found a place to live and just don’t want to move or go away. It’s the reason why I don’t go out a lot, or the fact that I only wear baggy sweatshirts sometimes, or the fact that I will see someone else swim but never want to join. They always say going to the gym will help you exercise. But for me, it was just another way for people to look and constantly judge me. The reason why I sometimes do these things is because I really don’t want people seeing my body the way it is today. I am very overweight and have been for most of my life and I think it has gotten worse.

I was probably about 8 years old when the weight was starting to get put on. I was a chubby kid and I wasn’t going to deny that at all but it seemed like I was the only one. Everyone in my class was always athletic, ran really fast and was very thin. I wondered why I was always the way I was and that I couldn’t be thin and athletic like everyone else. I dreaded having to do the physical fitness testing we always had to do because I knew I would always fail while everyone got to succeed.

Everyone around me was getting praised for doing so well and for me all I got was “you could do better.” I know I could’ve done better but how could I, my parents weren’t athletic and my sister just liked sports. I should’ve known from that time that I should’ve made a change but no matter what I never changed. Every time we would go shopping for new clothes, I would always want the same thing the kids at my school were wearing. However, I wouldn’t be able to because of the fact I couldn’t fit into those clothes or I didn’t look good in them.

When I turned 13, I started to get bullied in middle school. Everyone around me would stare and ask if I was expecting anytime soon. It really hurt and no one really wanted to talk to me. I was always the weird fat kid that no one wanted around anymore because I couldn’t do anything that other kids would do. I was always picked last to be on teams because no one wanted the “weak link” and whoever got stuck with me treated me with disrespect.

I did try, but nothing was ever going to make them like me. The only comfort I found was in food. The main problem I have is that when I am down or bored I try to find something that will comfort me and not judge me. I felt that if I ate it would take the pain away and now I realize that this wasn’t the case.

When I was a senior in high school, I did start to slim down a bit. I joined the marching band and that helped me exercise a little. I did acting all throughout and it helped me not feel so alone because I was involved and doing things, which didn’t lead me toward food. But once I graduated, I realized that it all had to come to an end and college was starting.

I got to college and I put the weight right back on again. I didn’t realize it was actually happening. All the effort I put in my senior year disappeared right before my eyes. I mean, I felt fine, and it didn’t really bother me much as it did when I was a kid. I had people around me who weren’t skinny and they loved me for who I was on the inside and not on the outside.Yes, I had some snickers here and there about it and yes, I probably didn’t get parts I wanted in some productions, but I was happy and I loved myself.

By the time sophomore year came around, I started to feel the stress of college life. I was busy all the time. I didn’t have time to spend with friends, I had a boyfriend who just made my life a living hell, and I felt like I was a failure at everything. My scars were coming back and I knew that food would never leave my side. I started to just eat until I couldn’t stop. I kept gaining and gaining the weight and it was to the point of everyone just wondering if I had something wrong with me.

My mom was worried all the time because she didn’t want me to end up sick. She knew that something was wrong .She knew how much weight I gained and every time I kept denying it and saying I was fine she knew that I wasn’t fine. I know now why she wants me to change and lose my weight. She just wants me to feel as happy as I was and wants to make me the healthiest I can be.

So here I am now, a college senior, wondering when will I stop getting off this cycle of feeling sorry for myself, hating my looks, and feeling uncomfortable around other people and start to make a change. I know that I have these scars of being overweight but I can’t let that define me and I can’t let it defeat me.

So why am I telling you this? It is never too late to fix yourself and heal the scars you may have. I know I have scars and now it is my time to fix them. My goal is to one day look in that mirror and see that the scars I have are gone and they are never coming back.