October 23rd, 2019: 8:44 AM, 57 Degrees Fahrenheit, Sunny.
I don't proclaim to know the ins and outs of life. As a human being I'm discovering new ways of life everyday; how to deal with arduous topics I don't want any part of, how to "face the music" so to speak. This is a journey to a re-evaluation of myself and tests what I truly believe in, and how I deserve to be treated.
Pain is synonymous with guilt and fear. Pain is temporary. Pain is irrelevant. Pain is superficial. Pain is for the moment. I am trying so desperately to not let it consume me. I mentioned in my last article that mental illness doesn't define you as a person and it doesn't consume you, and it doesn't make you any less important. I view pain in the same manner. The question to ask: Is it physical pain? Is it emotional pain? Is it mental pain?
Guilt is a vast part of most situations. Sometimes you can't help but feel like you left a situation and you ask yourself if you could've done more, or if you had just spent a little more time, would the situation ended up a completely different way. Unfortunately the cards are dealt and fate is left in your hands. But at what point does it become too much to bear, and you begin to feel sorry for yourself, instead of helping yourself? Does being a little bit selfish make you a horrible person?
I guess what you should take away from this and what you should realize, which is the big picture you came here looking for, is that suffering hurts for the moment. The sun rises the next day, and the day is filled with rewards and tragedy. Sure, you have sudden rushes of emotions that make you upset, but you need to remember to remain to true to yourself and see the self-value within yourself. Occupy yourself to distract your mind and to keep it from racing a million miles an hour, and to refrain from jumping to conclusions too soon. Remember you aren't solely at fault for issues that arise, and sometimes you did all you could do in giving advice, seeing how he/she is doing, showing a genuine interest.
If you don't try to come to this conclusion, it begins to eat away at you, and make you feel even worse than where you started. Start helping yourself, be selfish at times, and lend a hand to someone who would do the same for you in a heartbeat. Don't overexert yourself for someone who wouldn't even walk a couple of steps for you, while you're busy running a mile for them. It's not healthy for you and leaves gaps for yourself to fill, and then you sit and ponder what you can do differently next time. You don't deserve that.
"Somedays aren't yours at all,
They come and go as if they're someone else's days,
They go and leave you behind someone else's face,
And it's harsher than yours,
And colder than yours.
They come in all quiet,
Sweep up,
And then they leave.
And you don't hear a single floorboard creak.
They're so much stronger than the friends you try to keep by your side."
- Regina Spektor
Best
Steven Press
