I've always been upset that the older I've gotten, the scarier talking in front of crowds has become. I remember a time when I wasn't afraid of going up on stage and singing a song I loved, to no music. But now, when I try to recall that feeling to my bones as I stumble onto the stage, nothing calms me. I've developed shaking, nausea, and a dry mouth. The feeling of frustration that comes with that is unnerving.
I'm angry with God sometimes because I feel like He should automatically give me peace and not let me mess up because I'm on stage for Him! I go up there to praise God and talk about Him, and I almost feel betrayed when I can barely get my message out. But that's not right. So what if I'm not comfortable on stage? Not many people are! It's a lesson for me to learn. An area of life for me to grow in. Besides, God has given me an incredible ability that trumps any other trial that I need to learn how to overcome.
I always thought I wouldn’t have a problem with public speaking because Jesus promises in Luke 12,
“When you are brought before synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say.”
But, God has given me the ability to talk to people. I may not do well on a stage, but I know exactly what to say in a conversation.
It's easier to talk with someone than at them. I've recently heard two different men stand before me, and a group of people. They both gave their testimonies and their goal was to impart advice. While they both did well, one of them spoke in a very monotone attitude. He said "um" after every word and wouldn't make eye contact with any of us. The other was on fire. His message struck true and his voice did not waver once. His emotion was moving and I will never be the same again. BOTH of these men are revered as righteous and I can stand behind that. But, one of them was better at speaking. Some people would say that the man who spoke well was true and had God on his side, while the other didn't. This is not true. Both of them had God on their side. It's okay to be nervous, and it's okay if you mess up. That may just not be your calling.
I'm still not sure if speaking is my calling, but that won't stop me from trying. And, who knows? If I try hard enough, maybe one day I will be calm. With the right message, and the one true God, you can change hearts by doing something you never thought you would be good at. So don't give up when you think God isn't on your side. He is, but YOU have to be willing to do your part. I've realized now that God won't just give you the right words and perfect peace. You're going to have to be prepared and do the work, then God will take over.
