Almost a year ago, my significant other of three years left me for the person they cheated on me (the second time) with. Shortly thereafter, my friends encouraged me to download Tinder. After two brief significants, one both past semesters, this summer I decided I didn’t want to have any kind of romantic relationships, so I started talking to people on the app.
Since April, I’ve gone on coffee dates with 12 different Tinder matches (and my baristas are probably judging me pretty hard because they know my friends … and I know they know I don’t have that many). Three of them got a second date, one got a third. Basically, their personalities were pretty bland, but I did get to meet people I probably wouldn’t have otherwise and some were alright, while others … well, weren’t.
Haven’t started swiping yet? Just getting into the app? This is a watered down summary of your possible experience and things you may read during your swiping:
“Single, HMU”
Seeing as how Tinder has the stigma of being a social media platform for hook ups, I would certainly hope that you’re single?
“99% of people are just looking for a hook-up, I’m the 1%” / “Not here for hook-ups.” / etc
No. No you’re not. You’re just saying that to get in someone’s pants. And if you were genuinely interested in a relationship, you’re probably in the wrong place.
“My name is [enters full name], I’m [enters age], and I’m a [class rank] at [miscellaneous college/university/tech center]. I went to [enters high school and graduating class]…”
Do I really need to continue? Hello, too long; didn't read. Are you going to include your social security number and banking information in there, too? Are you asking to get creeped on? Didn't your mother ever scold you about putting information like that somewhere it can be widely seen and accessed?
One photo, no bio:
Um, okay. Left.
“Chuck Norris checks his closet for me.” / “Voted Most Interesting Person Alive” / Made up review about oneself / etc.
You’re a fuckboi.
Includes Twitter and/or Instagram handle:
Cool, moderate information to get a read on this person. If seemingly interesting and decent looking, I’ll swipe right.
Includes phone number:
Wtf? Like, how would someone even start that conversation? It’d be like answering a Craigslist ad, “Hi, I saw your number on Tinder. Wanna hook up?” Also, the immature middle schooler in me would want to prank call these people. I haven’t … YET.
All photos are group photos:
I’m not about to sit here and strain my eyes to figure out which one of these pixelated blob forms is in each photo and having to guess whether or not that pixelated form is you or a friend who is in all the same photos with you. Left.
“Christian! [enters Bible verse]”
Call me crazy, but if it’s important enough for you to put in a Tinder bio, then it’s important enough for you to know that I’m probably not your type.
“Just looking for someone to watch Netflix with.”
No, you’re not. Why has Netflixing become an innuendo for hooking up? Like, if I’m going to watch Netflix with someone, I’m going to put my hair in a sloppy bun, chill in some sweats, and eat peanut butter out of the jar. Maybe even have a drink, if I’m feeling adventurous. Trust me, you don’t want to "tap" that.
“420 Friendly!”
We get it.
Has photos of their tattoos:
If there’s any tribal whatsoever, I’m judging you a little. Maybe more than a little. Okay, I’m judging you a lot, especially if it looks bad.
"I like to make people laugh."
Translation: "I like to make jokes about serious current events and minorities, but that doesn't make me racist, homophobic, or transphobic. I'm just playing."
