I didn't think it affected me, your absence I mean..but, here I am dealing with it at nineteen years old. How can the absence of one person affect your outcome as a human being? I am surrounded by people who are the epitome of good in this world and yet, I think about you. The one person who doesn't know the effect they have and better yet, doesn't seem to care that they have an effect at all.
When people ask about you, I give the same old story that seems to lack emotion the more times I explain it. The story is always followed by the reaction, "I'm so sorry," but those words don't mean much when you feel so little. I wonder what you're doing everyday, but never pick up the phone. On a good day, I'll call and ask how you are but I'm tired of talking to the woman who asks me to "leave a message after the beep." On the rare occasion that I see you I have to rehearse what I'm going to say. There is depth to me but I'm scared to show it... what if you don't like who I've become? I have to remember I feel the way I do because of you but I can't credit you for my strength. My strength is because of your absence, not because of your DNA.
You were my person and it scares me that the memories you hold so high are fading to me. The memories you have are the only parts of me that you know. But, my life didn't stop when you left. I grew, physically and mentally and I feel detached from the little girl you knew and parented. I toss around questions in my head trying to figure out what's wrong with me. How do I love someone I don't know anymore? I guess there is no simple answer and maybe I don't want to know the answer. You say you love me but I don't feel it. Don't make me an obligation.
That little girl. You talk about her so highly like you love her more than you love me... the person I've become. That little girl is gone. She no longer plays softball, her favorite donut is not strawberry frosted with sprinkles, quite frankly she doesn't even like donuts anymore, and her friends are no longer the ones you knew. That little girl now drives, and goes to college. She has loved and has been let down more times than she can count, yet, she's still going. She dances and she goes out with her friends.That little girl is no longer scared of the dark because of monsters, she's scared of the dark because it makes her feel alone.
I would like to believe I exceeded any expectation of what you hoped your daughter would be like. When you look at me and laugh,saying, "you know, you're a smart girl...you're not little anymore," part of me feels like I did something right while another part of me wants to reply, "Yeah. I know." It's hard. You see, I get complimented on my maturity all the time but your compliments ring in my ears. Why is this? Why do I care so much for someone who recognizes so little?
It's been eleven years. I want to know you. I want you to know me. The nineteen year old me. Just meet me halfway.
