Since I was 14 years old God has been calling me into ministry. I ignored the call until June 16th, 2017. It was the ordination ceremony at the 2017 Eastern Pennsylvania Conference of the United Methodist Church, it came to the part where they told people who have had the call to ministry to come up. I walked to the front of the room ignorant to the fact that once I got there my life would change forever.
When I made it to the front of the room something inside me changed. I suddenly felt complete, like everything was falling into place, but there was also something indescribable, perhaps it was the holy spirit. I do not think that I will ever know why my life was changed then but I do know that in the moment it seemed right. I know that this is the direction I want to take my life, but at the same time, I am unsure. I do not know if I made the right decision.
On Sunday my pastor asked me a question that I never expected. He asked me if I would like to prepare and preach a sermon on August 13, 2017. Outwardly I remained calm but inside my heart dropped. The fear gripped me, I did not know how to answer. I looked at him and said, “well I can”. He said, “that is not what I asked you”. I thought it over for another moment and answered him. I said, “Yes I would like that”. “Great”, he answered!
I do not know what I am getting myself into. I feel so unworthy of the gift that I was given. I am a flawed, broken person. Why would God call me? I know that it is the broken and the flawed that God calls but I do not understand why. I continue to ask God, why me? I have been asking several pastors for guidance. They tell me that the flawed people are the most important to God. This helps but I still do not understand.
These pastors have told me that everyone struggles with feeling unworthy, they are no exception. They sometimes ask God, why me? They told me that is important to understand that I am only human, and that there will always be struggles with feeling worthy. With these words I remember that it is okay to doubt and ask why. This is what God wants us to do. He wants to point us in the right direction, and with that comes doubt.
I know August 13 is still over a month away but I feel so much fear and doubt. I remember that the fear and doubt is part of my humanity. It is part of God’s work in my life. He is just trying to guide me. The thought of being a Pastor terrifies me, but I am ready!
