January is the most popular month for online dating apps according to sources such as the Washington Post and Newsweek. If you found yourself logging on in the first month of the New Year, prepare to meet one (or two, or 10) of these types of guys.
1. The disgruntled frat bro.
His bio boasts his Greek letters, which you can’t identify and, frankly, don’t care about. Every word out of his mouth is “we” or “the brothers.” He wears a backwards baseball cap and ironically mixes Vineyard Vines shorts with thrifted flannels and sweaters. Steer clear unless you love foamy beer and shouts of, “I love you bro-ski, no homo!”
2. The eager beaver.
One of the most unsettling things about using an app like Bumble is the fact that, for the most part, the people you’re interacting with are complete strangers. Is Connor from Westfield as normal as he seems, or is he going to whip out his collection of eyebrow hairs on your first date? The eager beaver is all about meeting you: you know nothing but each other’s names and general locations, but that doesn’t stop him. Why should it! He friends you on Facebook (how did he even find you on Facebook)! He asks for your Instagram and Snapchat handle! He begs for your number! Is the eager beaver flattering or unsettling? Unsettling, for sure.
3. The adult.
He seems to have it all -- a college degree, a settled job, his own place, maybe even a pet or a plant he actually takes care of! Meeting the adult can be a shock to the system. They are few and far between -- in the virtual and real-life dating scene -- because the adult gets snatched up and tied down. He wants to have intellectual conversations about mutual interests! He asks to take you out to dinner somewhere nice! He is sophisticated, well-read, and successful. And he can pull off a suit: swoon.
4. The man-child.
Counterpart to the adult, the man-child is physically 22, but mentally 12. He doesn’t ask you on a date, instead suggesting you “chill” or “hang.” He will most likely be too awkward to make decent conversation -- and not in a cute, shy way but in a “let me sit here and check my phone” way. The man-child lurks behind every corner, waiting for his mom to wash his dishes and iron his socks. Beware of someone who can talk about the latest episode of “Game of Thrones,” but can’t remember the last news source they consulted.
5. The too good to be true.
Thanks to MTV, you are totally prepared to be Catfished. In fact, it was probably one of the first things you thought about upon downloading the app: oh my God, what if three years from now I’m on MTV and people are laughing at me for falling in love with someone I’ve never even spoken to on the phone?! Here are a few red flags: If he’s 21, but a supposed CEO -- too good to be true. If he only has one picture and you’re pretty sure it’s that model Miley Cyrus used to date, too good to be true. If his profile says he goes to Harvard but he’s wearing a U Penn sweatshirt in all his pictures, too good to be true. You are a smart young lady -- too smart to be fooled by a six-pack and smoldering eyes that you swear you saw in a fashion spread back in 2010.
6. The guy from high school.
[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F01%2F28%2F635895988499491244-900358584_anigif_enhanced-buzz-29770-1380746751-0.gif&ho=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn1.theodysseyonline.com&s=433&h=be9ff08045274fe0a70b4b5d8b2ef8866e1c372ea8045eee9061549b27ab0843&size=980x&c=911164422 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2016%252F01%252F28%252F635895988499491244-900358584_anigif_enhanced-buzz-29770-1380746751-0.gif%26ho%3Dhttp%253A%252F%252Fcdn1.theodysseyonline.com%26s%3D433%26h%3Dbe9ff08045274fe0a70b4b5d8b2ef8866e1c372ea8045eee9061549b27ab0843%26size%3D980x%26c%3D911164422%22%7D" expand=1]Run. You cannot swipe left fast enough. Pray that no one from high school ever sees your profile -- and pretend you didn't see theirs. Unless, of course, you always had a secret crush on them in high school -- then good for you. But, otherwise, no. There is nothing more horrifying than seeing the face of the boy who sat behind you in math class sophomore year of high school in the world of online dating, with a bio that probably reads something like, “Chipotle and chill?”
7. The player.
If he has pictures on his profile with a female who is clearly an ex girlfriend, swipe left. Ladies, come on, you can do better than that. Is he trying to prove that a girl found him attractive and personable enough to date? Is he trying to say, “Look I can snag a hottie?” Dude, we get it. Not impressed, it’s not a competition. Next.
8. The partier.
The profiles are always the same: promotional photos from clubs, drinks spilled down shirts, rows of hard liquor but no people in sight? He wants to know if you’re down to get high or maybe good for a wild night at a bar. If you are, great. But if you’re expecting to get to know him personally and not his friends Johnny Walker and Jose Cuervo, don’t sign up for the night of drunken debauchery.
9. The tortured artist.
Ah, the multitudes of artists. He has black and white photos, professionally done by himself or a friend and a bio that boasts, actor, director, street artist or photographer. You can’t help but find his scruffy faced and pomaded-hair cute in a grungy way, but you suddenly feel the pressure to brush up on your indie films and obscure novels. No matter how much Jack Kerouac you read, he will probably sip his flat white and scoff at your unawareness. So condescending.
10. The Jersey Shore wannabe.
Let’s face it, he is probably from Staten Island. And probably sent in an audition tape for "Jersey Shore." When he wasn’t picked, he vowed to spend every waking moment of his summers in Seaside Heights hoping to get in the back of an MTV camera shot. His hair and tan are more high maintenance than your own: does anyone really want to put up with a boyfriend who takes longer to get ready than she does? Gym, tan -- get out of here.