I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T.

Ever since I was very young, I have been taking care of myself to the furthest extent of my ability. When I was in elementary school, I began to wake myself up for school, make myself breakfast, and get myself out the door for the bus on time, when I got a car I drove myself where I needed to go. My parents raised me to be independent and self-sufficient, but it hasn't always been the best thing. Learning to rely on only myself has come back to bite me in the butt more times than once, but like always, I pick myself back up and learn from my mistakes.

I have always been goal oriented and determined to get what I want, no matter what it takes. I am a dreamer, a die-hard optimist, and incredibly stubborn. I rarely rely on anyone to get what I want, and that isn't always the best idea. Frequently I find myself feeling lonely and lost, but unable to make myself ask for help.

I had to learn to love myself on my own, and I had to learn that I was worthy of love and attention by myself, making it difficult to allow others to get close. I'm afraid that if I let people too close, they are going to mess up this control I have. In all actuality, being independent means that you have control over your life and what happens, and the idea of losing that control scares the life out of me. Putting my trust and feelings into people takes a lot out of me, and most times I end up panicking and running away.

I once started talking to this one guy. After two weeks, I had the thought about getting into a relationship with him and I literally had an anxiety attack over it because I was so afraid to be that serious with someone. It happened with my current boyfriend too, I hit the 2-3 week point and tried to find reasons to leave. Of course, he talked some sense into me and now I'm in a relationship with him and I don't regret my decisions at all. Letting go of my control and trusting him to hold it safely makes me feel like I'm going to die sometimes, but I'm still here, so that must be a good thing.

My best friend told me that I try too hard to be independent, and that I don't let people do things for me because I'm afraid. He's right, I try way too hard, but ever since we had that conversation, I have been working hard at giving up control slowly but surely. I'm letting myself get close to people, yet still making my own decisions. I try to handle my own problems, but I'm beginning to open up more and more to let others help me with my issues. This process is hard, but I believe it is the best option I have.

So, if you take anything away from reading this, let it be that independence is a great trait to have, as long as it doesn't interfere with your ability to love and be loved.