Where do I fit in? I’ve been pondering this question for quite some time now. You see, I have friends, I just don’t have a clique. I know the struggle of acceptance. I’ve always had this sense of wonder, “if I don’t belong here, do I belong there, where do I fit in, how will i fit in?” My identity has yet to be discovered. But then, when I really think about it, why should my friend’s define who I am?
I’ve done a lot of thinking over the past fews years about who or what a good friend is. I’ve gone through multiple friend groups. I tried fitting in with the preppy, popular people, it was fun for awhile, until I realized what bitches they were. I didn’t want to be the bully anymore, and then the tables turned on me and they started bullying me. I then kept to myself for awhile. I then even thought that maybe I would fit in with the people who liked to party and do crazy stuff, that too didn’t go too well for me. I was trying to find a specific group of people where I felt I best belonged. After losing everyone, I had to walk alone. I grew up real quick and had to become my own best friend, which in reality, did not go too well either.
Being my own best friend was difficult. How can you be your own friend when you hate yourself. How can you be your own best friend when you have no happiness to overcome the sadness you feel. How do you be your own best friend when you need a shoulder to cry on, but your pillow becomes the next best thing. How do you be your own best friend when you want to go out and have fun? Sure you can do that alone, but who wants to be that girl/guy sitting alone eating at a restaurant. How do you be your own best friend when you check social media and you see these groups of people having a great time and your home in bed wondering why you didn’t get an invite. How do you be your own best friend when you need a hug, but that hug turns into a blade across your wrist. How do you become your own best friend when everything is crumbling around you and all you need is a friend, but all you have is yourself. I was slowly destroying myself while everything around me was falling apart. I had nobody. Do you know what it feels like to be surrounded by people all the time but feel completely alone?
A good friend is someone rare. In this generation we make acquaintances and call them friends because we want to be the people who have endless friends. As if the more friends you have the less lonely you'll feel. You don’t need to be the girl who has the most friends within one group of people. A real good friend never allows anyone to feel left out. They include you no matter what. You always know you can count on them for anything. I have maybe have two or three, good friends. You don’t need a huge group to make yourself fit in. I had a large group of friends when I was in middle school, into my early high school years, I felt more alone with them, then I ever do when I hang out with the small circle I have now. I wanted to fit in so badly with the “in” crowd. But then I thought to myself, my friends make me wonder if they really even are my friends, and what kind of friend is that? I shortly realized there are other people who need to feel accepted too. So, why limit yourself to one group. Branch out. “The biggest risks lead to the biggest awards.” Someone who I have recently had the opportunity to catch up with told me that, I took it to heart. I was never much of a risk taker. I liked to stick to the status quo and try my best to avoid potentially embarrassing myself, but where is this going to get me? Take the risk to talk to people you normally wouldn’t see yourself associating with. Feel a little uncomfortable, because I can guarantee they too will feel this way. Who knows, you might just make a new best friend.
The people who I am friends with cannot define me. I have to create my own identity. Why do I want to be that bitchy girl who only talks to the cool kids. I want to be that girl who will be there for anyone because nobody should feel like they aren’t good enough to talk to someone. I never really had a good friend growing up until now. I want to be that good friend for anyone who is searching for one. If you are reading this and you too have felt like the underdog, I am here for you. I will be your friend.
