“They’ll be your friends after you send in your first paycheck,” my friend smirked at me when I told her I felt too disconnected from my sorority.

I take rejection too seriously for my own good, so my best friend was very surprised when I told her I was going to rush. How many tissue boxes would she have to buy for me if I got rejected? In addition, we’ve always been more fond of the relationships where people don’t have to be friends, but they just are.

However, I was at a point in college where I didn’t see myself fitting into any group. How do you make friends beyond the convenient, superficial level? Typical lost soul on a college campus. The sorority life seemed like it could be the answer. Wouldn’t it be nice to automatically have 20+ automatic friends? Automatic. Default. But nothing comes that easily.

I didn’t do the regular panhellenic rush because heck, how could I sustain my colossal ego if all 30 or so houses rejected me? Instead, I chose to rush one specific Asian sorority. Unlike panhellenic rush, we only had to attend three events (at minimum), and an interview. From painting lanterns, building marshmallow snowmen, to making gimbap, I got a glimpse of what it felt like to be an emotional sorority girl making sappy facebook posts about finding their second family. Sisters constantly reached out to me, and some even offered to grab food with me outside of rush. It was like they genuinely wanted to get to know me, and I felt included in the sorority without actually being in it. I remember returning home from these events happy, and this feeling stuck with me so clearly because going home happy had been a very rare occurrence for me.

Everything changed when it got to the interview. Instead of feeling like one of them, I was sitting by myself at the head of the table while 20 or so girls sat around firing questions at me. My bursting, overconfident ego took a huge blow.

What is your GPA? A joke.

What’s your biggest fear? Well at this point, I’m failing school and life so I’m going to end up on the streets.

Is there anything holding you back from accepting a bid if you receive one? Yes. I hate interviews, including this one...how much does it cost anyways?

What made you decide to rush? I have no friends.

Can you speak a little louder for us please? Nope.

I ended up getting a bid that night. Little did I know, that was the beginning of a long road to becoming a sister being fully accepted into the sorority. Every sorority has a slightly different new member process. I won’t go into depth about ours, but an important realization I made is that some bathrooms are naturally better to cry in than others. The good ones have nice big handicapped stalls with ledges you can sit on with your feet up to cry as you look out the 3rd story window. Having a view to look at when you finish crying is very important.

I was probably the worst of my class. I take things too personally, I am always an emotional wreck, and I made us late by getting lost on campus all the time. My line sisters did their best to be supportive, but I had my doubts. What if I became the sister that everyone hated. What if I’m the only one in my class who doesn't fit in? What if my big regretted picking me up as her little.

I let my doubts get to me the day I decided to drop the process. I remember packing a large care package for my big and writing her a letter explaining my decision. I never thought I would have to tell my big, someone who has been fighting for me even when I wouldn’t fight for myself, that I didn’t want to be in her sorority anymore.

My big opened all of her gifts and held her hand out for me to hold. She stayed with me in a corner of a huge auditorium as she told me stories of how she went through her process, and she held me as I cried. She didn’t even make fun of the fact that I was literally almost always crying when she saw me. I guess that’s what bigs are for. We went out to eat noodles that night, and I decided to wait to see how much longer how I could hold out.

In my mind, I came to accept that the new member process was a cruel joke played on us and we were never going to actually be sisters, so I was very surprised when we finally did. At that point of the long night, I was deciding the best way to walk away from the sorority without it being too awkward when I passed the girls on the street. I was sick of trying to prove that I wanted to become a sister for so long. I was sick of answering questions, sick of interviews, sick of everything that had to do with the sorority.

Still, I began to prepare for the reveal after we crossed like everyone else. The reveal itself became another series of mental breakdowns for me because I hate crowds, I hate public speaking, and our class decided to wear these sexy crop tops that would never look nice on my pudgy body type.

I took a break from my sorority after our reveal and the final banquet. I didn’t talk about it, I didn’t wear my sorority clothing, and I hardly saw or contacted anyone from my sorority. I put away everything that reminded me of my sorority. And That’s Completely Okay.

I never thought I would miss some of the sisters after a month. When one of my line sisters asked how our summers were going in our groupme, and I was genuinely happy to hear from her. The goofy smile that I usually save for unreciprocated crushes was pasted on my face as I messaged my line sisters back in the group chat. When I passed my other line sister on the way to class, I got so excited that I was practically jumping up and down asking how she was doing.

The other night, my big and I were looking out at the beautiful city of Ann Arbor from her rooftop. It was one of those nights that was just the right temperature, and the wind was blowing just enough to distract me from the stillness of the night. We could almost see the whole entire campus, and I was amazed once again at how fairytale like this city could look. We didn’t have to talk about anything in specific, but I felt happy to be with her again.

I think that if joining my sorority meant just meeting one real friend, then it was worth it. These people are going to stay in my life longer than I can remember some forever-but-not-really-forever process. Of course, I didn’t have to join a sorority to get close to these people, but I might not have met these people any other way. The superficial introductions eventually fade away and lead into something else.

I think we get out what we put into our sororities, or any social group. The new member process was long. It’s not something I would ever want to do again, but I think it can be worth it. This sorority is far from what I expected, and I know there will be plenty more times where I wonder why I didn’t drop. But I think there are some great moments ahead that will come from knowing these girls from my sorority and having this sisterhood that we have fabricated. I’ve had glimpses of moments with girls from my sorority that has humbled me, and made me grateful to have met them and even more grateful to have so many sisterhood events ahead to spend with them. This is just the beginning.