I was trying to figure out what has been meaningful enough to write about. What piece of my life has reflected who I am and what I am still striving to be. When I look back upon my life, how it has been going and what it is turning out to be, I see progress that has been made and how I have grown into who I am today. I try to live life without any regrets, but my life has brought both ups and downs that have shaped the person I am.
As for trying to find one memorable part of my life to try to write about, my entire college experience has challenged me in various ways. I entered into college open-minded and terrified. I was a nursing major with big dreams. As I entered college, I felt unstoppable and invincible. Nothing could stop me from my dreams. Nothing could stop me except depression and anxiety both helped to destroy my positive mindset. My mental illness does not define me, but it did change my opinion of myself. Depression made me lose my passion to succeed. Anxiety made me overthink, become overwhelmed, and in turn set me behind schedule. I began to see myself as weak; I resisted help and I overlooked advice.
Looking back on my college experience, I never thought this is the way I would turn out. I learned that not only was I afraid of failure, I was afraid of what others around me thought of my failures. I became silent when I should have been the louder than ever before. I should have persisted with my unstoppable mindset, but alas I could not control what the world had planned for me. My insecurities grew as I began to link onto people that could care less about me. Insecurities about my body that I have never crossed my mind before became my main focus. I was focusing on myself but in the wrong way. I was focused on myself through the eyes of others. I looked in the mirror and felt disgust. I felt disgust from what I have become. I would repeat that I was not good enough and that I would remain unlovable if I stayed the way I was.
My anxiety heightened triggering my depression to do the same. I began bingeing and purging to fit the emptiness I felt within myself. I blamed it on anxiety. I blamed my unhealthy relationship with food resulting in me laying on the bathroom floor crying wondering why this was happening to me on my other unhealthy tendencies I refused to fully understand. I have never expressed this to anyone in fear of embarrassment and a lack of understanding from others. Much like myself, I felt as though others would not understand why I did the things I did.
College has brought me all of these things, but all of these unhappy situations make me understand more of who I am today. College has challenged me to become a better, more independent person. As a person, I am strong, I am raw, I am sensitive. As a person, I will not let my mental illness define me. I will resist negatively from others and myself. I am still not happy with who I am. I am however happier with who I am. I am no longer suffering as much as I used to. I refuse to portray myself as a victim, as weak, I refuse.
My mental illness is still alive and well, but I refuse to let my diagnosis affect who I am. I am full of life, I have a bright future, I am surrounded by a loving family. I have friends that have stuck with me through thick and thin. College has morphed me into a more confident version of myself. If I can get through this I can get through anything. Getting through this will give me to the power to get through anything. College is hard. Life is hard. The act of living in such an unforgiving, judge mental world is hard. I will get through it, and I know this now thanks to my college experience.