Okay, I admit it: I have a Tinder. I downloaded the app several months ago and can't for the life of me remember why, but I've never gotten any joy out of it - except, of course, for the delight that I get out of mocking the profiles I come across. I know how mean that sounds, but some of the things you see on Tinder are just too good not to crack up over. Straight men on Tinder make a LOT of rookie mistakes, which could be avoided completely if only they had proper guidance. Using the observations I've made in my time on the infamous "dating" app, I've compiled a list of tips and cautions for men who want to get the most out of their Tinder profiles. Hopefully, by taking the guidelines I've listed below into consideration, men will find more success in their swiping endeavors.

Step 1: HAVE MORE THAN ONE PHOTO.

I cannot stress enough how important this is. One photo is not enough to get a real sense of what anyone looks like - especially if that photo is of more than one person - so what exactly do you expect me to do here? Take a leap of faith? Not gonna happen on Tinder, my friend. Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that's just how it is.

Step 2: Have at least one photo of JUST YOU.

Don't make me scan each photo to see which person they all have in common; that's just inconsiderate. I have better things to do with my time, you know - like sit around and critique other peoples' Tinder profiles.

Step 3: Make sure that your photos are clear, well-framed, and just generally easy to see.

Poor quality photos = poor quality lover. Just kidding. In all seriousness, though, putting zero effort into your Tinder photos will get you a proportional return on your investment (aka, nada). I'm not saying that you have to hire Annie Leibovitz, follow the rule of thirds, and anxiously await golden hour - but one or two decently-lit, higher resolution photos that clearly show your face is hardly too much to ask.

Step 4: If there is even the slightest possibility that your friend is better looking than you are, DO NOT use a picture of just the two of you as the first one in your lineup.

This makes us feel tricked once we proceed to the following photos and discover that you're not the one we were thinking about swiping right on. I know; it's shallow, hurtful, and makes you feel like your only value comes from what you have to offer on the surface. Welcome to the party, pal. Take off your coat and stay a while.

Step 5: Try not to look like a slightly different person in each one of your photos.

This is confusing and disorienting and makes it very difficult for me to decide whether or not to swipe right. If Second Photo Josh is a solid 9, but Third Photo Josh is more like a 6, my hands are pretty much tied. Remember, this is a shallow app - no one is here to discover what makes you the wonderful person you are on the inside, at least not yet. I'm trying to figure out whether or not I wanna bang you, so help a sister out and be consistent in your advertising.

Step 6: Please, PLEASE smile.

Here's a tasty little anecdote for you: after I graduated high school, an underclassman boy I knew started sending me random, expressionless Snapchats of one side of his face once every two months or so, like clockwork. No context, no explanation –– nothing. This went on for three years. Everything about this was unsettling, of course, but the worst part was that he wasn't smiling. His face was blank, with dead eyes. Your Tinder photos SHOULD NOT remind me of this person. Unless you are actually a model, and you're using actual photos from an actual shoot in which you were asked not to smile, err on the side of smiling.

Step 7: Be conservative in your use of dogs.

In the past, I've heard women encourage men to use dogs in their Tinder profiles, and you guys sure took that advice and ran with it. Don't get me wrong; dogs are great. I love dogs. That being said, if each one of your photos is of you with a different dog and you're neither a veterinarian nor an ASPCA advocate, I'm a little weirded out. Where did you get the dogs? Did their owners know that you had them? Did you ever give them back? Are they still alive?

Step 8: Same goes for small children.

If you have children in your Tinder photos, I'm going to need to know whose they are and why you were with them. Normal grown men don't just "hang out" with random children, so pictures of kids on your profile without an explanation in your bio to accompany them is a very big no-no.

Step 9: Be very, VERY careful with hats.

Baseball caps are usually okay, especially facing forward. NEVER turn them sideways. Beanies can work on some, and maybe a cowboy hat if you're really working the Southern Boy angle. That's about it. Avoid snapbacks, bucket hats, and –– God help me –– fedoras. Under no circumstances should a fedora ever appear on your Tinder profile, unless you dressed up as Ne-Yo for Halloween last year.

Step 10: Don't include photos of just your car unless it's a Bentley Continental.

I can't tell you how confusing it is to be swiping through your photos until I stumble upon one of your... Honda Accord? What? Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't hold your inability to afford a Cadillac against you; I just don't understand the use of an affordable midsize sedan as a status symbol. Call me crazy.

Step 11: Set yourself apart somehow.

This phenotype will obviously vary by location, but the typical Austin male's Tinder profile consists of 5 or more of the following elements: caucasian, 6'2", brown hair, scraggly beard, photos of you doing things outdoors, work for a tech startup, something about craft beer, feminism. Don't typecast yourself. Tell me about your low-key obsession with toy helicopters, or how you like to carve mallards in your spare time. Engage me by being you. (Also, don't talk about being a feminist in your Tinder bio. Just trust me on that one.)

Step 12: Play to your strengths.

If you are not funny, don't try to be funny. If you are not smart, don't try to seem smart. If you haven't won at least one Ryan Gosling look-alike contest, don't include shirtless mirror selfies. Find your thing - whatever that is - and play it up. Be unapologetically yourself.

Step 13: Don't use valuable bio space to complain that your matches never message you first.

Whiners don't get laid, period.

Step 14: Have a decent one-liner prepared for your matches.

The fact of the matter is that you'll probably have to send the first message if you want to get the conversation going. I know, I know, you're right - it isn't fair. That's just the luck of the draw. Don't shoot yourself in the foot trying to come up with something new and original for each match - it's an exercise in futility. Instead, prepare one or two generic greetings that you can store in a note on your phone for future reference. Having an arrow or two in your quiver will make it that much easier when it comes time to engage a match, and maybe you'll be a little less bitter about always having to be the one to send the first message if said message requires so little effort.

Step 15: Don't be needy and weird.

Sometimes you'll match with a girl, you'll message her, and she'll never respond. It happens. Let's face it: she gets more matches than you do, it's a very shallow app, and it's not as though matching on Tinder means you have some sort of sacred bond all of a sudden. Following that logic, it's not really appropriate to send her multiple follow-up messages asking why she hasn't answered you, what you did wrong, why she would swipe right only to ignore you, etc. Let it go. Cut your losses and move on. Your pride will thank you for it.

Step 16: Prepare to be disappointed.

Tinder can be a rough place for straight guys. Most of y'all don't get a whole lot of matches, and the ones you do get ignore you. That's why I'd caution against putting all your eggs in the Tinder basket. What to do instead, you ask? Go out! Meet people! Put yourself out there! Believe it or not, you're probably more likely to find women to get with in real life, so get out there and start livin'.