Shrinking. It’s not a term you ultimately consider when you go about your everyday life. Your behavior isn’t notable, you just do you. Yet it’s there.
When you’re sitting in a university discussion, do you pepper your comments with “I just think that…” or “It’s just my opinion…”?
When talking to other people about your activities and accomplishments, do you tend to minimize what you do by leaving out specifics or downplaying it?
Is “sorry” a word that frequently comes into your vocabulary?
This is often referred to as “shrinking,” a term given weight in 2013 after Lily Myers performed a poem titled “Shrinking Women” at the College Unions Poetry Slam Invitational. In the poem, she nails what it means to worry about what’s appropriate to eat, when it’s OK to ask questions in class, how large to make your presence.
This constant worry or fear is extremely prevalent in both mixed gendered interactions in an educational or workplace setting, as well as in a one-on-one settings between both genders. As Myers put it in her poem regarding her brother: “You have been taught to grow out, I have been taught to grow in.”
In any kind of class or workplace discussion, women tend to emphasize phrases like, “I may be wrong” or “I guess.” They’ll speak for shorter lengths of time and in a quieter tone, and are more likely to be cut off or interrupted. In comparison, men are more prone to jumping into discussions without being called on, cutting women off, or talking two and a half times longer than them.
When we held group discussions in my first college course, I found it extremely hard to break into the discussions once they got started. The few times I managed, after a minute or two of talking I started stammering and ended up trailing off or deferring to the next speaker (usually a man). Every time I started with, “I’m sorry, but I just thought that…”
This will carry over into personal lives as well. When talking to a man—even if they are not romantically interested—women will make their accomplishments appear less than theirs, talking less about themselves and asking more questions of him. They’ll agree more with men, even if that’s not their opinion. In many cases, women end up insulting themselves.
The first time I noticed this rang true was only just the other day, when I referred to my own writing as “boring and way political” in a text to a guy. My finger was right on the send button when I stopped and thought Wait, huh? When have I ever been concerned about being boring?
Surprise! I just typed what I thought he would agree with and didn’t even think about it. Quick retype and send. His response was still “Yuck,” but it was alarming to actually think I was about to put myself down for that.
Stop shrinking. Take up space. Find your corner of the room and fill it with your opinions and favorite things. Let the people who like it there come to you. You’re entitled to learn, to live. Don’t apologize for just doing you. It'll be work, but it's good work.
