The Shadow That Is My Mental Illnesses
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

The Shadow That Is My Mental Illnesses

Even on my good days it is right there behind me.

18
The Shadow That Is My Mental Illnesses
Vandollum

Everyone casts a shadow. Every shadow is different than the one you saw the last time you looked. Some days it is lighter or darker. And some days it is taller or smaller. Everyone has a shadow, but mine is a dark mass of my demons, my mental illnesses follow me in my shadow. They lurk there, waiting for the right moment to attack. I spend most of my time fearing when my next panic attack or depression will sink in again. I fear everything, but my biggest fear is myself.

I fight a battle against my own shadow almost daily. I fight myself to stay happy and maintain the life that I want. I fight to keep the demons at bay just one day longer. There is nothing that I have done in my life that has wore me out quite like fighting myself has. Yes, you can argue with other people in life but you can walk away from them. I can't walk away from my own mind, from my own illnesses.

I have tried everything and anything medical or otherwise to feel normal again. Some things work for awhile, but they never last long. I can have good days and two minutes later I am cast into my own shadow, into that dark place where my fears and anxieties live. You never know when the demons will come out of the shadows for you.

I know that people try to understand what is happening to me. And I know that they do all they can to help. Some days I just feel as though I am beyond help. I feel like all I can do is let the shadow take me to the darkness. I don't want that. I don't want any of that ever. I just fight so hard and sometimes it is so much easier to let the shadow take you down.

If you get lucky it will only be a short time. Sometimes the "as needed medications" work right away, other times you are left waiting, stuck in your fears. Sometimes sleeping helps and when you wake up the demons are gone. Sometimes it is a long time and nothing seems to help at all. All you can do is sit there and wait for them to get tired of you. Wait for the darkness to leave you alone. Even when I seem to be alright, there are many times when I am secretly waging a war against myself and my demons. It is never an easy thing to do. I wish I could say I am normal, but my mental illnesses have taken that away from me.

I am no longer normal. I have to spend my days tip-toeing around myself. Keeping myself away from things that spark the anxiety or bring about depression. So much in my life has changed since my illnesses have taken over. I can't even watch some movies that I used to love, they just send me right into a panic attack. Car washes or loud, closed-in spaces are almost always a no. I don't even have a driver's license due to the complete fear of the road test and being judged. Most times I spend my time quiet, so people won't have things to say against me or judge me for. I even fear people that seem to be looking at me longer then I think they should. I fear life, I fear everything that could happen.

I fight everyday to keep my shadow at bay. I know that many other people fight this same fight everyday. Some people fight more often or harder. We all have one thing in common — we have to fear our own shadows. There is still a large misunderstanding of mental illnesses in our country. People don't understand the type of fear that we live in. They don't understand the pain we go through. They don't understand that not all disabilities are visible. We need to help people understand that we are not broken, we are just live our lives differently every day.

Remember, you are not defined by your mental illness or illnesses, you define yourself.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Student Life

Waitlisted for a College Class? Here's What to Do!

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

53632
college students waiting in a long line in the hallway
StableDiffusion

Course registration at college can be a big hassle and is almost never talked about. Classes you want to take fill up before you get a chance to register. You might change your mind about a class you want to take and must struggle to find another class to fit in the same time period. You also have to make sure no classes clash by time. Like I said, it's a big hassle.

This semester, I was waitlisted for two classes. Most people in this situation, especially first years, freak out because they don't know what to do. Here is what you should do when this happens.

Keep Reading...Show less
a man and a woman sitting on the beach in front of the sunset

Whether you met your new love interest online, through mutual friends, or another way entirely, you'll definitely want to know what you're getting into. I mean, really, what's the point in entering a relationship with someone if you don't know whether or not you're compatible on a very basic level?

Consider these 21 questions to ask in the talking stage when getting to know that new guy or girl you just started talking to:

Keep Reading...Show less
Lifestyle

Challah vs. Easter Bread: A Delicious Dilemma

Is there really such a difference in Challah bread or Easter Bread?

34502
loaves of challah and easter bread stacked up aside each other, an abundance of food in baskets
StableDiffusion

Ever since I could remember, it was a treat to receive Easter Bread made by my grandmother. We would only have it once a year and the wait was excruciating. Now that my grandmother has gotten older, she has stopped baking a lot of her recipes that require a lot of hand usage--her traditional Italian baking means no machines. So for the past few years, I have missed enjoying my Easter Bread.

Keep Reading...Show less
Adulting

Unlocking Lake People's Secrets: 15 Must-Knows!

There's no other place you'd rather be in the summer.

956983
Group of joyful friends sitting in a boat
Haley Harvey

The people that spend their summers at the lake are a unique group of people.

Whether you grew up going to the lake, have only recently started going, or have only been once or twice, you know it takes a certain kind of person to be a lake person. To the long-time lake people, the lake holds a special place in your heart, no matter how dirty the water may look.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Top 10 Reasons My School Rocks!

Why I Chose a Small School Over a Big University.

181687
man in black long sleeve shirt and black pants walking on white concrete pathway

I was asked so many times why I wanted to go to a small school when a big university is so much better. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure a big university is great but I absolutely love going to a small school. I know that I miss out on big sporting events and having people actually know where it is. I can't even count how many times I've been asked where it is and I know they won't know so I just say "somewhere in the middle of Wisconsin." But, I get to know most people at my school and I know my professors very well. Not to mention, being able to walk to the other side of campus in 5 minutes at a casual walking pace. I am so happy I made the decision to go to school where I did. I love my school and these are just a few reasons why.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments