Everyone casts a shadow. Every shadow is different than the one you saw the last time you looked. Some days it is lighter or darker. And some days it is taller or smaller. Everyone has a shadow, but mine is a dark mass of my demons, my mental illnesses follow me in my shadow. They lurk there, waiting for the right moment to attack. I spend most of my time fearing when my next panic attack or depression will sink in again. I fear everything, but my biggest fear is myself.

I fight a battle against my own shadow almost daily. I fight myself to stay happy and maintain the life that I want. I fight to keep the demons at bay just one day longer. There is nothing that I have done in my life that has wore me out quite like fighting myself has. Yes, you can argue with other people in life but you can walk away from them. I can't walk away from my own mind, from my own illnesses.

I have tried everything and anything medical or otherwise to feel normal again. Some things work for awhile, but they never last long. I can have good days and two minutes later I am cast into my own shadow, into that dark place where my fears and anxieties live. You never know when the demons will come out of the shadows for you.

I know that people try to understand what is happening to me. And I know that they do all they can to help. Some days I just feel as though I am beyond help. I feel like all I can do is let the shadow take me to the darkness. I don't want that. I don't want any of that ever. I just fight so hard and sometimes it is so much easier to let the shadow take you down.

If you get lucky it will only be a short time. Sometimes the "as needed medications" work right away, other times you are left waiting, stuck in your fears. Sometimes sleeping helps and when you wake up the demons are gone. Sometimes it is a long time and nothing seems to help at all. All you can do is sit there and wait for them to get tired of you. Wait for the darkness to leave you alone. Even when I seem to be alright, there are many times when I am secretly waging a war against myself and my demons. It is never an easy thing to do. I wish I could say I am normal, but my mental illnesses have taken that away from me.

I am no longer normal. I have to spend my days tip-toeing around myself. Keeping myself away from things that spark the anxiety or bring about depression. So much in my life has changed since my illnesses have taken over. I can't even watch some movies that I used to love, they just send me right into a panic attack. Car washes or loud, closed-in spaces are almost always a no. I don't even have a driver's license due to the complete fear of the road test and being judged. Most times I spend my time quiet, so people won't have things to say against me or judge me for. I even fear people that seem to be looking at me longer then I think they should. I fear life, I fear everything that could happen.

I fight everyday to keep my shadow at bay. I know that many other people fight this same fight everyday. Some people fight more often or harder. We all have one thing in common — we have to fear our own shadows. There is still a large misunderstanding of mental illnesses in our country. People don't understand the type of fear that we live in. They don't understand the pain we go through. They don't understand that not all disabilities are visible. We need to help people understand that we are not broken, we are just live our lives differently every day.

Remember, you are not defined by your mental illness or illnesses, you define yourself.