The thoughts don't “just go away” with ease, they skip the knocking at the door, and enter in without warning; they make a home of your mind, slowly crowding in on the good times and staying much longer than they are welcomed. They paint over the truth and leave a morphed image in their place, they add extra skin and sags where in reality it is smooth and flat. The ribs that were once protruding out from underneath your skin look chunky and clumpy, with no bones in sight. You know the truth, you know your mind is playing a game of hide-and-seek with your body, trying to fool you into old habits, telling you lies that you were happier when you were nothing but skin and bones.

You know the truth, though, Your body has never felt like home, it has always felt like you were dancing in an extra small bikini while cool white flakes tumbled down from the sky. Even simpler, more than often not your body left you with the sensation of being overly stressed accompanied by the feeling of incompletion. These days aren't always set in stone, some days the sun comes out, the weather warms up leaving you with periods of peace and acceptance as you stand in your bikini that sits perfectly on every curve of your body. Though even on the sunniest days, the thoughts are still knocking, and you know one thing for certain; you have never, and probably never will be fully pleased with your body.

So you lock the thoughts out for a few more moments of peace. Bending down you lace up your running shoes, you put one earbud in at a time. Bending down once again, this time keeping your legs stiff and reaching for the ground instead of your shoes; the feeling of tight muscles stretching out with a slight burning sensation takes over. You can't help but smile, as your feet hit the tar, and slowly your steady jog turns into a sprint; and your legs are going faster and faster. As you try to outrun your mind, your self-hate, your anxiety and all your other imperfections. Your feet get into a rhythm, and as if you found a passcode to a new reality, all the self-doubts and anxiety that sat on your shoulders roll off and crumbled behind you in the dirt.

This world with no anxiety, no self-doubts, no one telling you, "you aren't good enough" is no reality. As you stumble into your house trying to catch your breath you clumsy kick off your shoes one at a time, and you mindlessly scroll through your phone; a girl with your ideal perfect body is posing for a selfie. She is your polar opposite; tiny frame, toned skin, near perfect complexion, long hair; it's the type of beauty that never seems to die off. As you stand there in your shorts an oversized tank top, you mindlessly trace your stomach, your hips, your defined curves, you fight off the thoughts that are slamming on the door once more. This battle is a never ending ruthless cycle, either you are perfectly okay or you feel like you’re trapped in an oversized body. You have been 20 pounds overweight, and 20 pounds underweight; at every point and turn in your life, you've been defined by numbers that translate into pounds. Shaking your head, and fighting the knocks, you know deep down the little red number is just that. Still staring at your phone, you can’t help but wonder if she also fights these thoughts.