Shock and confusion swoop across the nation like wispy threads of the hair on the head of the man we just gave the most powerful position in the world. Millions of Americans showed up at the polls in November of 2016, the greatest voter turnout in history consisting of a nearly ninety percent increase in the southern male demographic. Some people are in shock, others too nervous to voice their excitement. The tycoon has taken the stage, and a silence hangs over the entire country as Donald Trump approaches the podium with his goddess of a wife in stride behind him with a “Miss First Lady” sash draped across her shoulder. The men of our nation now firmly support their decision, and all second guesses are out the window at this point. He leans toward the mic, squints, waves, and breaks the silence with “Hillary, you’re fired.” The crowd erupts, Rosie O’Donnell’s gastric bypass band snaps, Bill Clinton tearfully follows up on his promise to Trump to play “Careless Whisper” on the saxophone during his victory speech, stock in Rogaine hair products skyrockets to a ten-thousand percent increase, and Cecil the Lion rises from the dead and bite off the head of Caitlyn (Bruce?) Jenner. Some radical left-wingers are already beginning to plot for overthrowing this new government, but The Donald has to have his say first.
The changes over the months following Trump’s inauguration will be so apparent that every morning will be like waking up to a new and improved America. A large majority has been unsettled by his outspokenness, but they better brace themselves for what is to come and learn to accept it. It will be swift but well-calculated reformative legislation. We are $18 trillion dollars in the hole as of August 2015, and nobody has a better idea of what they want to do to begin pulling us out than the man with the billion-dollar cowlick. Remember Roosevelt and the New Deal? The TVA and the PWA were pretty helpful in funneling money back into the economy. Some of those projects involved building infrastructure such as football stadiums (my home town high school stadium was a PWA effort). We reemerged from the Great Depression and WWII with loads of cool places to toss the pigskin and drink beer on Friday nights, and we had only $251 billion in national debt. What could we possibly do to reach this post-war era’s economic status? Well, Trump has big ideas for our immigration problem that could simultaneously boost the economy: he wants to build a wall. This wouldn’t be any ordinary wall. It would be a barrier so large and impenetrable that the Russians would eventually be too scared to fly their satellites over it from outside the earth’s atmosphere. It would be America’s Ark of the Covenant: you touch it, you die. But imagine how many jobs we could provide to build such a barrier. We would be like Egyptian Pyramid builders, except we would make minimum wage and be allowed more than one bathroom break every day. The wall would be the first economic stimulus package from the Trump administration to help repair the damages from the first weak attempts back in ’08. Pink Floyd’s album “The Wall” would be covered and reissued by Bruce Springsteen and remain on loop for the entirety of its construction, and hopefully the contestants of the Miss America Pageant would serve beverages during break hours to count toward their community service requirements.
Obamacare would be eliminated on the spot, regardless of how beneficial it may prove to be in some states at that time. Its replacement would be in effect immediately, and Trump could pick and choose his Vice-Presidential running mate to help aid in the campaign for healthcare reform. Benjamin Carson would be a clear candidate for urging this through, seeing as the man who could probably perform a successful brain surgery on himself using only a plastic spoon likely knows how an effective healthcare system should operate. Or Trump could choose John Kasich to inadvertently usher in marijuana legalization by keeping a hands-off approach to states’ rights, thus eliminating the need for medical assistance altogether (cannabis cures everything except a chronic addiction to the sofa and a plate full of gummy bear lasagna). Kasich is pretty keen on turning a blind eye to states voting to legalize marijuana, so it would eventually lead to a scenario in which the statements from the White House will be along the lines of “Whoops! Didn’t see that coming!” with a thick cloud of smoke barricading the policymakers in their respective buildings. Kasich has made it well-known that he is against using federal funding to remove states’ decisions on the legislation their citizens decide to vote in favor of. He’s like the dad who knows their high school kid gets hammered drunk Thursday through Sunday, but pretends he doesn’t know anything about it. Everyone loves going over to that kid’s house every weekend so tourism would thrive tremendously, as long as people coming from other countries are not seeking employment, of course.
Teflon Don has a deep bag of tricks, and has yet another quick fix to our crumbling economic status from a domestic standpoint. The easiest way to take money from the incredibly wealthy and drip the hoarded cash back into circulation is to make it seem like they did themselves a disservice, not taxing them to the point where they feel cheated by big government. This is where Trump is the man once again. He would do one of the many things he does best: open casinos. If every state had a casino, belligerent rich men everywhere would blow their money faster than Monica Lewinski in the Oval Office and, like Wet Willy, they would deny the fact that it ever happened while the National Debt shrunk as fast Big Bill’s pleated khakis when Hillary tries to hold a dinner conversation at a gluten-free restaurant.
We may also see an increase in political awareness over the course of Trump’s timein office, maybe even more so than the Obama administration. This can be attributed to the entertainment value of Trump’s appearances in front of the camera. As we all know by now, if he has a problem with anything, he’ll let you know immediately: whether you like it or not. He will likely deliver his State of the Union address while maintaining a white-knuckled grip around George Costanza’s Festivas Pole. He would be America’s Red Forman, and you better believe that his custom-fitted loafer will be well equipped to give a swift kick in the ass if he doesn’t agree with what’s going on. He’s the Vietnam War vet who never saw the jungles of Cambodia and never caught a single whiff of napalm because he was pulling a tour in the National Guard, but he’ll tell you the horrors of war and the inconvenience of having to report for duty once a month better than anyone who took shrapnel from the Vietcong. If you are offended by what he says about women, it would be much easier to grind your teeth and move on. He’s not going to let up, and he may even have an idea of what he’s talking about in that regard because there was a second full moon at the end of this past July. The Miss America Pageant may eventually be held in the White House for all we know, but the Miss Universe Pageant will never take place on our soil once that wall is completed. With the possibility of slot machines replacing the bowling alley in the White House certainly no one will find his presidency boring, and maybe the citizens of the United States will be keener to pay attention to politics.
The truth is, we don’t really know what is going to transpire if Trump trumps the remaining GOP field and sweeps the presidential election against his democratic opponent. We know it’ll be quite a show, and we can rest assured knowing that no one man can totally ruin a nation in eight years (holla atcha boi Adolf). If some miracle occurs and his opponent is Hillary Clinton, the debate between the two of them will not only be broadcasted on every major news network, but I would be willing to bet that it will receive primetime slots on ESPN and Comedy Central with a follow-up Lifetime special coming a week later funded by auctioning off Clinton’s tears. I do not believe Trump has any ill-intentions or that he is simply messing with our heads about what he will do in regards to tightening some of our country’s loose screws. I like the fact that he speaks his mind, and is resilient enough to pitch some of his ideas with the knowledge that they may not be well-received. I’m watching the show carefully so far, and I like the charisma he brings to the table. With a net worth of $4 billion, he has nothing to lose and, although many may not agree with the following observation, I believe wholeheartedly that his best interests are vested in the well-being of an incredible nation. He is basically funding his campaign himself, so he has none of the allegiance to corporate superpowers that his opponents will likely accumulate. He will not have to make any promises to anyone except the citizens of the United States. Donald Trump running for office offers us a unique opportunity to vote for someone who is not a puppet of business tycoons because, well…he is one. He truly wants to “Make America Great Again” and there is a fair amount of truth to his statements, regardless of the manner in which he chooses to deliver them. If any glimmer of the aforementioned nonsense is attached to the legislation he proposes, I doubt it would do more harm than good. We may not see any change, maybe only stability that could pave the way for his successor after four to eight years in office. So take a seat, a watch the show. The ending may surprise all of us more than bin Laden being paid a visit by SEAL Team Six.
