"This is probably going to sound stupid, but..."
"This Snapchat filter makes me look slightly less ugly than I am in real life."
"I am the most embarrassing person ever."
"I'm surprised that my mirror doesn't crack when I look into it in the morning."
Why do we self-deprecate? What does self-deprecation really do to us?
Often, when we talk about ourselves, we tend to speak in terms that are either overly modest or slightly belittling. For example, when I have a question in class, I sometimes raise my hand and say, "this might be a dumb question, but..."
Honestly, it's ridiculous. If I need help with something, I know that I shouldn't have to preface my questions with a statement of self-deprecation.
Somehow, I find myself doing it anyway.
Why do I self-deprecate when I have to ask a question? Is it a way of apologizing to my professor for putting a halt to the lecture? Is it a defense mechanism meant to prevent my classmates from judging me for not grasping a concept that others might already understand? Is it a habit?
I don't know exactly why I do it, but I know that it has to stop.
Here's the thing: self-deprecation often starts out as modesty or light humor. People who are confident in who they are have no problem with poking fun at themselves from time to time. Self-deprecation only becomes a problem when we take it too far and, nowadays, it is taken too far more often than not. Every day on my college campus, I hear people talking about how horrible they must look, how stupid they feel after a hard class, or how unhealthy they feel after eating just one cookie. I even do it myself, without thinking.
When self-deprecation reaches this level, it is no longer humorous or modest. It's simply mean and we shouldn't be mean to ourselves. We shouldn't treat ourselves badly. We owe it to ourselves to be kind to our bodies and our minds. When we aren't, our mental health and self-esteem suffers. We begin to worry what others think of us more than we should. We are our own worst critics.
A 2014 study by Personality & Spirituality affirms that self-deprecation can easily become unhealthy. The website calls it "an urge" that is "often irresistible" and it acts as a means of presenting ourselves as "lower than others." Basically, we use self-deprecation to try and prevent our peers from being disappointed in us. From a psychological standpoint, people who self-deprecate tend to believe that if they attack their own imperfections first, then no one else can attack them.
This, of course, is ridiculous. Some people will judge others no matter what. That's life. Acknowledging and accepting our own imperfections is fine, but scrutinizing them is not and we certainly have nothing to gain from constantly attacking ourselves. Psychology blogger Mark Dolan states that we do not benefit from endless self-deprecation because depression, pessimism, and self-deprecation "go hand-in-hand." Although self-deprecation is often meant to seem humorous, he writes, it is typically a manifestation of crippling insecurity and it can take a dangerous toll on an individual's self-esteem. People tend to think that "most humor has a basis of truth," Dolan says, so when we constantly joke about our insecurities, we begin to think of them as though they are truths about ourselves even when they aren't.
The point is, self-deprecation has crossed a line. It is no longer an innocent joke or a modest acknowledgement. It has become a means of trying to manipulate how others see us. It hurts the way that we view ourselves. It has become dangerous to our mental health. It is a problem and it needs to be addressed.
We need to be kind to ourselves. We all have insecurities.
Now that I've thought about it (and learned about it), I am going to try to stop self-deprecating. When I raise my hand in class, I will no longer preface my questions with "this might sound stupid." When I am feeling insecure about my body, I will no longer jokingly chastise myself for eating unhealthily. When I am having a bad hair day, I will not apologize to the people around me for making them look at my "rat's nest."
I pledge to stop self-deprecating. I pledge to be kind to myself.
You should take this pledge, too.
