For those of you who know me, you may know that I am generally not very outwardly confident about my abilities. I do not blame this trait on my actual competence, but on the internalized fear that as a woman and young person I am not good enough. Where does this fear come from? For me personally it has two origins. One, it comes from a general fear of being let down. If I allow myself to be confident in my ability to achieve a goal only to be unable to achieve it in the end, it is more embarrassing and difficult to move on. By setting expectations low, I am more likely to be happily surprised than sadly disappointed. Two, statistics and observance of women in the workplace do not set a good example. Women are promoted at a lot slower rate than men in the workplace, and hold significantly less leadership roles. But ironically, often it is not women’s lack of abilities that hold them back but a lack of confidence. In an article about the confidence gap from The Atlantic, Katty Kay and Claire Shipman write that success “correlates as closely with confidence as it does with competence”.
Despite this fact, which I very much believe to be true, many of the most important times I have allowed myself to be confident about something in my life, I have been let down. The most important example concluded last week with the election of Donald Trump. I have been a Hillary supporter since day one. I truly believed that her experience, perseverance and message of love and acceptance would secure her spot in the White House. Even when Bernie Sanders gained momentum I did not lose hope, and when it became clear that her opponent was going to be Donald Trump, my confidence grew more than ever. When I read Trump’s tweets or watched his video with Billy Bush, I did not allow myself to be scared because I was so sure that Hillary was going to win. So when Tuesday night’s results came in, it is an understatement to say I was shocked and disappointed. How could someone who blatantly spewed words of hatred and bigotry to so many of America’s cultural groups be elected over her? How could so many Americans tolerate this upfront racism and sexism? In some ways, I admit naivety. As a person with a lot of white and class privilege, I want to apologize to my POC friends for not understanding or believing the extent to which racism and bigotry is still prominent in this nation. But as a woman who does understand (to an extent) the hardships women still face in America, I am still shocked. How can women vote for someone who has made such blatantly sexist statements about women, and most likely has sexually abused over a dozen women? Where am I supposed to go from here when the correlation between confidence and success has failed me?
The confidence I had in Hillary did not just come from me alone. From her interviews and speeches, it was obvious that Hillary believed in herself, and it was so refreshing to see. While I am used to so many women, including myself, doubting their abilities, Hillary did not run to prove her abilities, but as a result of them. But despite this confidence, she still lost. Part of me is immensely struggling to understand how I can still have hope that believing in myself will allow me to succeed when it failed someone who not only believed so much but was also extremely qualified. But another part of me is also learning from this experience. The first major thing that I have learned from this election is to not take anything for granted. While confidence often correlates with success, it is not guaranteed. Hillary never took anything for granted or stopped fighting, but I did. I believed so strongly in Hillary that I did not believe it was necessary to fight for her and the values we share. The last thing that I learned is that it is ridiculous to not be confident because of a fear of being let down. If I had spent the whole election season anxious and unsure about her ability to win, nothing would have changed (well, if that anxiety had turned into me helping her campaign maybe it would have, but being confident and still fighting hard would have resulted in the exact same thing). Yes, after all this time of confidence I was proved wrong, but that only makes me more motivated to help create change now.
To everyone who is disappointed, take all the energy you put into fighting for Hillary and the Democratic Party and turn it into fighting for yourself. We are stronger than just a single person or idea. Be confident in your abilities, but do not take them for granted. Nothing is going to happen by just sitting idly by and waiting. But be confident! Be confident that the people around you who you love are not just going to go away. Be confident that your elected officials do have your best interests at heart, and if they don’t, be confident that you are stronger than their hate. Be confident that America is more than just the political articles you read on the news, and most of all: be confident that overall, love trumps hate.
