I've had what I think is my fair share of boyfriends; in total, four. One I met at my old high school, one at my current college, and two online. Some of you out there have had less relationships than me, some of you more, some of you the same- but nevertheless, I think many of you will be able to relate to what I'm about to say.
I truly believe there comes a time when you cannot go through life on your own, whether it's you have any level of significant other or best friend at your side. I'm all for independence, but life sure is a heck of a lot easier when you have someone to run to when sh*t hits the fan and everything goes to hell. Or even if life just sucks, and you're having a really bad day.
At first, losing a person who you thought would always be there for you, who you fell head over heels for more than anyone ever before, who in your eyes was the epitome of a perfect person- man, it's damn near soul-crippling. You end up crying yourself to sleep every night for two weeks. You lose all interest in anything you once found fun; school doesn't matter, and your friends don't matter. You lose all of your self-worth in an instant because that one moment of that ill-fated phone call brought your world to a screeching halt.
Imagine a car hitting a brick wall, or something going up in flames. You're left with nothing else to do-- no plan, no forewarning, no nothing. The gnawing thoughts of defeat, worthlessness, self-pity, sadness, you name it--those are all you are left with.
I hate the critics that say, "Don't let it get to you like that," or "Why can't you just move on?" Well, sir or madam, I will tell you to politely shut the f*ck up. Everyone processes heartbreak differently, some more resiliently than others; so don't you dare judge me for how I am feeling, or my ugly crying face. Who knows, you may very well have felt the same way I did, being deserted with no explanation. And being deserted makes you feel worthless. And with no answer, you are left to wonder and your mind is left to wander...
... What did I do wrong? Where did it go wrong? What if I said this? What if I said that? What if I did this? What if I did that? What if I hadn't done this? What if I hadn't done that? What happened? Where did the person I fell in love with go? Where did it all fall apart ...
... Those are the only things you are left to ponder on, the self-inflicted torture of your overactive and under-loved mind. As humans, we need answers. We need to know the who, what, where, when, and why of every situation. If we are not readily given it, our minds feel the need to find it out ourselves. But to have the one lifeline cut off, the one opportunity you had of getting any answer gone?
At that point, you have no choice but to move on; at your own pace, of course. I think we all need to move on from heartbreaking situations at our own pace, however, we feel the need to and see fit to deal with the situation. I believe that if you are forced out of a mindset and aren't allowed to process a situation for how you feel you need to, that will end up being detrimental to your overall health and well-being and affect future relationships.
Somehow magically one day-- poof. Everything's better. The pain is gone. You don't even remember hurting. What's heartbreak? What are tears? No more hunger, no more sadness, no more grief. But the funny thing is, you can't pinpoint the exact moment all the good wiped away the bad. Maybe that's because there was never an exact moment; maybe that's because it crept up on you in such a way that each bad memory was replaced with a good one, and before you knew it-- all you knew in the world was happiness. And feeling loved, and cherished.
No more hoping he would text or call or Facebook message. (Sure, you wonder how he is doing and how his family is doing, and hope they are all well. It's human to care about another person like that, to hope and wish nothing bad has happened or ever will happen to them. I wouldn't wish anything bad on even my worst enemies.)
Why do you feel this way? Because you found someone to pick you up, dust off the pieces, and wait for the super glue to dry. We all need a little help every now and then, we can't very well deal with everything alone. Whether it's getting by with the help from your friends, or finding true love in someone who makes you feel whole again.
Suddenly... the sky is a little brighter. The sun's a little warmer. The birds chirp happier. The song's melody hits you to a core. You stop to smell the roses and appreciate every little thing. You stop caring about what you wear because you look beautiful regardless. You stop watching what you say because he finds beauty in every word. You appreciate everything, you start appreciating and loving and cherishing every single moment. In your head, you know there will be more moments just like all the other wondrous ones. So why do you cherish every single little one, whether you say so or not out loud? Because in your heart, you know every precious moment has helped you and will help you to become the person you want to be. Because every beautiful moment has brought the light back into your eyes, and love back into your heart.
To the one that broke me: thank you for leaving me. Thank you for tearing me down. Thank you for making me feel worthless and for all those nights of crying.
To the one that fixed me: thank you for loving me. Thank you for building me back up. Thank you for helping me to see my worth. Thank you for the tears of joy, and even the ones of strife, because every moment with you is precious.
