The world is currently stuck in a conundrum. Women complain that all men are dogs and jerks, while men complain that all women only want bad boys and assholes. The age of the gentleman seems to be coming to an end as men now behave like young boys. As it stands now the majority of men fall within two very extreme spectrums. On one side of the spectrum you have your needy, soft, sensitive guys. These are the guys that are afraid to speak up for themselves or take chances in life; they are often times indecisive and very rarely assert themselves. On the other end of the spectrum you have the jerks. Typically, these guys are overly confident to a fault, they are typically very selfish and only consider their feelings when making a decision. Often times they have no real concrete vision for their life, leading them to make rash decisions that lead to short term pleasure but ultimately end up causing long term suffering to themselves and others around them.
At our very core human beings are animals. It has constantly been proven that behind all that higher intelligence there are primal desires and needs that influence behavior. As creatures with a primal drive we are subjected to the laws of nature. In nature the leader of a pack typically is the most dominant individual in the pack, naturally individuals of the weaker variety are often times ostracized and sit at the bottom of the hierarchy. However with that being said dominance isn’t the only factor that determines a pack leader.
A leader of the pack is expected to be able to make decisions for the greater good of the pack. They are entrusted with the safety of the pack. The leader of the pack in other words represents the most well-rounded individual in the pack. To put this in normal terms, when faced with nice guy-jerk spectrum people tend to prefer the jerk over the nice guy because he exudes the most dominance. If you don’t believe me, pause for a minute in order to do some introspective reflection. Jerks typically get the best jobs, have the more attractive women, and all in all they live a better more exciting life than a nice guy. However the jerk is inept to lead which causes short term success but long term failure.
Now from my own personal experience and things I have witnessed, most men fluctuate between both spectrums. In an effort to find success they go back and forth between being a nice guy and a jerk. Here’s an example: Paul is a 20-year-old college student who has a crush on a girl named Tiffany. Paul has four classes with Tiffany but he can never muster up the courage to talk to ask her out. One day the stars align and Tiffany ends up in the same group as Paul. Paul spends a whole semester working together with Tiffany and the two grow quite close. One day Paul invites Tiffany to dinner one day to which she complies. At dinner Paul is really nervous and displays behavior that falls within the nice guy spectrum. After dinner Tiffany thanks Paul, side-hugs him goodnight, and leaves. Paul attempts to court Tiffany in the days following only to find himself banished to the friend zone. Not having the guts to leave the friend zone Paul is constantly hearing about Tiffany’s boy problems that typically involve her and some jerk. Eventually Paul decides to try something different and become a jerk. He puts on a false bravado and begins to conduct himself as a jerk would. He immediately sees his fortunes change and for a brief period of time he is on top of the world. As time goes on however his friends stop hanging out with him and girls he once had want nothing to do with him. In response to this decline he quickly switches back to a nice guy and thus the cycle continues.
If you’re reading this I am happy to tell you that you no longer have to fluctuate between being a nice guy and a jerk, instead I am going to show you how to become a gentlemen, one who is neither a nice guy or jerk but instead a genuine man you excels in all expects of life.
Gentleman Training 101
In order to become a gentleman one must become in tune with their emotions. By being in tune with your emotions, you are not becoming an overly emotional person, but instead, you are able to compartmentalize exactly how it is you feel and express those feelings in a mature fashion. The problem with nice guys and jerks is they try to hide their emotions towards things for their own separate reasons. Nice guys attempt to hide their feeling in order to convey the message to others that they are easy going or as people who can look past anything. Typically nice guys try to hide emotions such as anger, jealousy and sadness while at the same time trying to overcompensate on feelings of positive emotions such as happiness, joy, etc. On the other hand, jerks do the opposite as they try to avoid expressing positive emotions, while at the same time over expressing their negative emotions. This inhibition of feeling leads to nice guys and jerks not being able to establish genuine connections with people because they are constantly hiding parts of who they are, along with this they often times experience very nasty emotional breakdowns as their pent up emotions eventually boil over. By becoming in tune with one's emotions, a person is able to form genuine connections with people because they are being their true selves and allowing themselves to feel natural feelings. Also individuals who become in tune with their emotions are better equipped to properly manage and mitigate emotionally taxing situations without allowing their emotions to get the best of them. Allowing yourself to feel how you feel, understand why you feel the way you feel, and then express how you feel in a mature fashion…To do that is what it means to be in tune with your emotions.
The next step in becoming a gentleman is establishing boundaries. A boundary is basically the limit to what you will tolerate and how much of something you will tolerate. The problem with nice guys is that they are afraid to set boundaries with people. This inability to stand up for oneself allows nice guys to be constantly mistreated and abused by others. On the other hand the jerk has his boundaries and refuses to take any shit from anybody. The major flaw however is that jerks tend to overreact when their boundaries are pushed just a little. They lose all composure and go straight attack mode on anybody they feel has slighted them in a way. The gentleman on the other hand sets firm boundaries of the behaviors he will and will not tolerate. Unlike the jerk, the gentleman does overreact when he feels his boundaries are being pushed. Instead he calmly yet assertively makes it known that he will not tolerate such behavior and if that behavior continues he will act accordingly.
To paint this picture more vividly, I’ll give you a scenarios: James is married to Paula. As of recent, Paula has been hanging out with her girlfriends and coming home very late at night heavily intoxicated. After a heavy night of partying Paula typically sleeps in all day and refuses to help do anything. To make matter worse she is cranky and moody all day as she tries to recover from the night before. In this scenario James can act in either one of three ways. He can be a nice guy and not confront Paula about the problem which will only serve to enable her behavior. He can take the jerk approach and get into a nasty argument with Paula which might cause her to stop the unwarranted behavior but also cause feelings of hostility. Lastly, James can be a gentleman and inform Paula that her behavior is unacceptable and that if it continues he will leave her. Out of all the approaches listed above it is very obvious to see that the gentleman approach is the best approach to diffuse the situation and bring things back to normal.
A crucial factor in being a gentleman is integrity. Integrity at its core is just being honest with those around you. Nice guys and jerks lack integrity because they both seek to manipulate people. Nice guys manipulate people by doing at first glance kind gestures such as listening to people’s problems, paying for gifts and other things of that nature. They disguise these gestures as having no strings attached when really they plan to use this as leverage in order to get things from people in the future. Jerks on the contrary don’t resort to underhand agreements, instead they bend the truth in their favor in order to get people to do things they want. Many girls have fallen victim to a guy who sold them on a false dream of a relationship only to watch him leave after he got what he wanted. A gentleman is somebody who is honest 100 percent of the time. If he does something he does it because it’s the right thing to do or because he wants to do it. A gentleman does not use past favors as leverage over people. Along with this a gentleman is always straight forward with people, if wants just a casual relationship with a women he will let her know upfront that that is all he is looking for. A gentleman never resorts to manipulation to get what he wants in life.
A gentleman has an immense amount of respect for himself. He constantly takes care of himself whether it be hygiene, the type of physical shape he is in and/or his attire. Gentleman always carry themselves in high regard and never engage in such behavior that disrespect who they are or what they stand for!
Lastly a gentleman is someone who loves everybody. The world is a very large place filled with all kind of different people. A gentleman is someone who keeps an open mind about everything and see’s the best in people. Nobody is perfect and to judge one based on their imperfections would be unfair. Instead of doing this a gentleman acknowledges the imperfections of others but at the same time he does not condemn anybody for them. He instead sees the good in everybody and the potential that everyone has within. He hopes to assists others in finding their path and purpose in life but he will never seek to help those who do not want to help themselves.
I could write a 500 page novel on what it means to be a gentlemen, but instead for the sake of time I will close this article with a quote I found:
“The gentleman can do what is honorable, but he cannot cause others to be certain to show him honor. He can act in a trustworthy fashion, but he cannot cause others to trust him. He can act so that he is employable, but he cannot cause others to be certain to use him. Hence, the gentleman is ashamed not to cultivate himself, but he is not ashamed to appear to have flaws. He would be ashamed not to be trustworthy, but he is not ashamed that he does not appear trustworthy. He would be ashamed to be lacking in ability, but he is not ashamed that he remains unused. For these reasons, he is not seduced by praise and is not made apprehensive by criticism.”
In other words, the gentleman does not concern himself with the reactions of others (except perhaps to learn from and calibrate to them), which he cannot control. Instead, he focuses on optimizing his own behavior, abilities, and virtue, and on surrounding himself with the right people, and trusts this will take him where he seeks to go.”
