This week’s article is considerably more somber in tone, addressing an issue which we, especially as young people, rarely want to discuss. The loss of a loved one is a sorrow which we all face eventually in our lives, if we haven’t already. A close friend of mine has shared her experiences, both immediate and ongoing, dealing with the loss of family members. Her honest discussion could be difficult to hear for some readers, but I hope you will listen, and perhaps find some understanding and solidarity in her account.

I know that right now you are coping with the pain of your grandmother’s serious illness, you’ve also said that grief has been a part of your life for a long time. Would you be able to tell me more about that?

Well to me it's kind of a big part of who I am. I think during the years of my most personal emotional growth and shaping was a time that I experienced the most drastic changes.

And grieving was involved in most of that growing.

The first time was when I turned 10. And I didn't really understand what had been going on. My cousin and I were only five days apart in age and he was my best friend growing up. About a month after our birthdays he was struck and killed by a tractor trailer. I was too young I think at the time to really feel the emotions, to understand that he was not coming back.

It almost just seemed like he was on a trip and didn't want to come home.

By the time I really started feeling it, I had found out my mom had passed. It was an indescribable chain of events. All of it hit me at once. There was this overwhelming hope that it wasn't true.

That I hadn't just lost two of the most important people in my life. I was numb for a few months.

When I did start to feel, it was kind of emptiness? Or a loneliness that no amount of people could fix.

My mom was cremated. We had a lovely wicker box to put her in. Sounds so weird, "to put her in." I sat in front of her everyday for maybe a year.

I remember some days I was sad, some days I would reminisce with her, but some days I was angry. I felt deserted. Like they left me and didn't care. Things like "how could you do this to me" or "what am I supposed to do now" were common thoughts.

I called her cell phone just to hear her voicemail until finally my dad decided it was time to stop paying to keep it on.

Every holiday was hard. Not many other kids had experienced this. So when I'd say I didn't have my mom anymore they would be confused, they would mostly apologize and avoid the topic. Kind of like me, I think my idea of grieving at that point was to just avoid everyone.

Because no one could possibly understand how I was feeling. I think the avoidance ended when one day my grandma told me harshly, but also as a wake up sense, that I wasn't the only one who lost someone.

My great grandma passed shortly after that. I wasn't very close with her. So it was just kind of like I had lost an acquaintance. It's sad, but I didn't know her well enough to be heartbroken. Sounds harsh, but it's a reality.

Or maybe it just had gotten easier? Because I had gone through the process twice already? The denial, the begging, the anger, the acceptance?

After that it got, I think, easier. Days still go by when my heart aches to have my mom and cousin back. It all aged me, weakened and toughened me up. But now, my grandma is getting worse and we can anticipate that the end is nearing vs. an abrupt loss. I think I've already started grieving for her before she's even gone.

The denial was first, she had many problems before so I assumed it was just gonna be a quick hospital visit and she'd be back home.

I'm also begging to keep her here. She had taken over for my mom. Now I'm losing that part of me once again. I'm confused and angry. How could this happen to me again already.? But I'm now also thinking more about her. I'm heartbroken to see her in pain and suffering. I go home and cry sometimes because it's so awful. It's like double the pain.

I feel like everything that I was too young to experience fully has been building. (When my grandma passes, it will probably go with her). I don't think I know a time in my life when I wasn't grieving for a loss.

Wow, that is so much loss for one person to experience already. You mentioned how the grief was so involved in your personal emotional growth, do you want to say any more about that?

As I watched other kids have a childhood, I was taking on the responsibilities my mom left behind. I was doing things normal 10 year-olds wouldn't be doing as a regular thing. Making out the grocery list, fixing holes in clothes, doing all the laundry, the dishes, cleaning.

I got so into all those things that when I moved in with my grandparents I felt as though I didn't feel like I was earning my keep when I didn't have to do as many of those things anymore.

I had to be more "grown up" I didn't really have a connection with kids my age. I found it easier to talk to people older than me. I would hear side conversations between family members when I would go to big functions that had a bunch of kids at it. They would say things like "doesn't she know how to be a kid" and in reality I kind of didn't. I was always "strong and mature." I guess that was the downside. I had trouble making friends because while they were on the playground I was folding laundry.

I was nicknamed "mom" in high school by my friends because I was the old soul. The "wise beyond her years" one. Well the few friends I had managed to gain.

I had more negative views on the world as well. My innocence was long gone.

After moving in with your grandparents, were you able to share your feelings of grief with them and the other people around you?

I don't think I was really able to. My dad told me I had to be strong for my grandparents. I had taken that as all the time. But my grandparents also thought they had to be strong for me. So I guess we were hiding our emotions from each other.

It wasn't until I was staying with my grandparents permanently and my dad and I weren't speaking that we all kind of shared with each other. I remember the first night. My grandmother and I argued all the time. She was comparing me to my mom a lot and maybe I didn't feel like I was what she wanted or maybe I wanted her to see me as my own person. But we opened up to each other and finally talked about how much we miss her, but that we also still have each other.

We all now openly express in our own ways and talk about memories from time to time.

It must have been a relief when you were able to talk about your feelings with your family. Did you find other outlets for your emotions or ways of coping during the grieving process?

For a while I had no outlet. I was bottled up for a while and I snapped so easily. Then in middle school we had a bit more freedom to try things and I was able to play more than just band music. I became a band geek. But I think it was the idea of expressing myself that felt fantastic. Maybe not better, but I felt less tense. My grandparents had known I was already passionate about music so for Christmas they had gotten me an iPod. I constantly had headphones in. Clarinet wasn't enough. I started to teach myself saxophone and guitar.

I sang and was invited to theater auditions. While I was doing things like that I had almost forgotten about other negative emotions.It didn't really heal it though. I kinda lost the joy it was bringing me at some point. And I started wanting to feel again. I did some things I'm not proud of. I burned myself intentionally, cut myself a few times.

In high school I found I really loved sitting in the studio. A couple of my friends were super into art class and for us it was a one year requirement to take art or music. And I figured I'd try it. I’d been crafty before and it was OK, but I ended up really falling in love. I was working past the bell. Spending my study halls in there working on things. Class related and independent. I found something that even when I went home and wasn't working, I felt like I was doing something worthwhile. That they would be proud of me for.

What a beautiful way to feel connected to the people you lost. Did you find any other ways to keep a connection to your mom and your cousin?

Well I'd say that obviously everyone would be like "you look just like your mom" or “God I used to have fun with your mom." With my cousin a lot of people forgot about me. Because no one wanted to remember anything about that month and his birth month so it was like I never existed.

Ummm so, with my mom I had a few of her things. Not much, but I could sleep with her blanket, and wear her jewelry. I would listen to music we used to listen to together. Actually it took me a while to sing along with them again.

With my cousin, I had his younger sister. In all honesty I think we bonded over the two losses and relied on each other. She had her memories (she was extremely young) and I had mine.

Is there anything else you’d want to share about getting through the grieving process?

I mean I was told by a doctor I was depressed, but I made the choice to not be medicated. I didn't want to mess with my body before I even knew what my normal self felt like. I battled every day. I'm not saying it's for everyone. I just personally felt it would be better for me to not be medicated until I felt it was absolutely necessary.

Also I have step-family. And I get asked a lot if I could would I change it and have my mom back. That is the hardest question to answer and not offend anyone. I love my step-family to pieces. I knew my mom and dad weren't doing well and probably would have split, but how can I know if I still would have met them, if things would have been different. I say in the nicest most respectful way possible that I think my mom would understand and want me to do what made me happy. That she wouldn't be hurt at me saying that I love who I am, where I am and who's in my life, that I wouldn't change the situation now. My step-family and I are like a real whole family. I don't wish this upon anyone, but I don't wish it to change.

Do you have any words of advice for someone else who's experiencing a loss?

It's never going to completely go away. You're always going to feel it. Even a little bit. So I'd say find something positive to give you comfort in the hardest times. Never forget the good memories, even if the end was bad. Remember that those around you are grieving too. Bottling everything up is not good, so get help when you need it. Don't ever be embarrassed to ask for it. Sometimes being alone is a good thing, but don't seclude yourself. You need to have a healthy balance. Things will get better soon. It's never the end of your world, I promise so many people care and love you.

This really is a difficult topic to face, though it will affect all of us at some point in our lives. I want to thank my friend for suggesting it and for so sincerely sharing her story.