"And obviously you don't try enough if you keep getting screwed over by everyone. It's not just my standards or expectations you do not meet." - Someone Important.
I've spent the better part of a year with those words flowing through my mind. Throughout this "better part of the year," I've gone through countless changes in my life: new friends, new relationships, new goals, new home and even a new state of mind. Yet still these words haunt me. Like a banner pulled behind a plane, they float through my thoughts. Back and forth, smothering over any positivity.
Just recently, I argued with the important individual who said, or rather typed, that quote recorded above and it was a horrible experience. To argue with someone you're in love with is always a terrible thing. Rylee Tanner once said, "It is not the unknown to fear, but those closest to us. Because their words hold the power to be not only scarier, but true as well." To add some context to the situation, the specific quote I started out with was said in angst. It wasn't meant to be what it sounds like, but regardless it's stuck with me.
Everyone is quick to step in with kind words. "She didn't mean it," or "That can't be true," but the damage was done. It was up to me to fix myself, but the first step to anything is the hardest to take. It's a blind leap from the edge of darkness with no idea what's at the bottom. The first step is a leap of faith that requires massive amounts of internal strength and looking inward; I realize how much of that I simply don't have. Because of that, the baggage accumulates. Too afraid to take that first step in putting it down, I grasp a hold and never let go because that makes me strong, right? Dealing with everything by myself, piling it all on my shoulders, is the real definition of strength, right? I'm learning to realize that it's not.
The real measure of strength is the ability to let others in. To unpack and stay awhile is the the true definition of love. But again, one must take that first step, that leap of blind faith. It's at moments like these that you discover how strong you really are: when you can look at the journey ahead and still take the leap.
