To the Kids Who’ve Lost a Parent,
It’s not fair, really. You never asked for this traumatic experience. You never asked to suffer through the loss of a parent, to grow up overnight, and to have the Universe strip away your innocence. You never asked for the compliments about how “you’re so strong” or “you are such an amazing person for going through this.” You never asked to feel the world crumbling at your feet and to reconsider your own existence here on Earth. But what you did ask for was one last chance at seeing your mom or dad and telling them everything you hadn’t. Unfortunately, you don’t get the one thing you ask for.
The saying “time heals everything” has some truth to it. It’s not necessarily true that you will be healed, but just that you will be stronger than you were when you started. After my battle of 7 going on 8 years, here are a few lessons that are necessary to address.
Cry your heart out.
Cry until your eyes swell shut and your voice is gone from screaming out the sadness. The people who told you to hold it in and be strong can shut up. Crying will only make you stronger and keep you from bottling your emotions and then exploding. It’s more than OK to cry; in fact, it’s necessary.
Many adults will look at you as someone more mature.
Losing a parent at a young age turns you into an adult overnight and you suddenly have this sense of maturity, not because you asked for it, but because the world forced you. Adults will look at you and realize how much more sophisticated and grown up you are because you were forced to.
Not everyone will understand.
This can be frustrating but you have to remind yourself that it’s not their fault. When the world gives them their version of a traumatic experience, you will be the friend they rely on for guidance, words of wisdom, and a shoulder to cry on. You can’t get upset with your friends with not understanding how you’re feeling, but rather be grateful for the sympathy they give you, even if you don’t want it. This is the best they can do to comfort you and you have to keep telling yourself that. However, don’t get me started on that one person that compares their great aunt that passed away when they were five to the loss of your parent.
Cliché phrases will be thrown your way.
Again, for the people that don’t exactly know what to say, they’ll pull out the best Hallmark phrase they can and tell you “they’re in a better place” or “they’re always watching over you.” Sure there’s truth to it and it’s comforting, but it’s not always the most appropriate phrase to hear at the time.
People will complain about their parents.
You will be so angry when you hear your friends and peers say, “I hate my mom/dad.” Yes, please continue to tell me all about your mom or dad not letting you stay out past midnight, and I’ll continue telling you how I can’t handle the fact that my dad didn’t take me to get my permit and practice driving on my 15th birthday. You just have to get over the fact that some people don’t know the words they’re using and their meanings. They’re not attacking you but they for sure are not thinking before they speak.
You learn who’s real and who’s fake.
Actions really do speak louder than words. Find a group of friends who will take you to ice cream or a movie on every special event like your parent’s birthday, or anniversary of their death. You will be surprised how many people in this world care about you and don’t want you to sulk in sadness all day. Remember to thank them for being real and there for you.
Holidays and Birthdays won’t be the same.
If you’re anything like me, you love Christmas. It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Baked goods are a must, the smell of pine, cinnamon, and sugar cookies fill your house for the entire month. But the haunting feeling of your mom or dad not being there reminds you that holidays aren’t the same. Their birthdays will remind you of another year that they are not with you and another year older they would have been. It’s okay to feel sadness on these holidays and birthdays.
The bonds between your other family members will grow.
You will become close with your siblings because you finally realize you’re all you guys have. You guys will go through the rest of life together as close as can be because you’re now there for each other in every moment of life. You’ll grow closer to the existing parent that’s left with you. You’ll appreciate everything they do because now they’re going to play the role of both parents. Your dad will do his best at helping you pick out a prom dress that your mom promised she’d one day do. Your mom will do her best picking out the best baseball equipment at the sports store, even though your dad never told her what was best.
You become affectionate and attached.
You remember to tell everyone you care about how much you love them, even if it’s at a random time. Significant others might get weirded out at how attached you get but it’s because you’re so infatuated with them, that you can’t handle losing another constant in your life. You value your friends more than others and you understand who the friends are that will be around for all of life’s biggest milestones.
You no longer waste time.
You now know how precious time is and how short life can be. You know that no time should be wasted on anything. You realize that you need to accomplish all you want out of life while you’re still able to, always tell everyone you love them, never hold grudges, and make the most of the time guaranteed on Earth.
Big milestones will be sad.
Graduation, weddings, 21st birthday, births of your children, these will be big milestones that your parent won’t be there for. You will look at pictures after the fact and realize there’s a missing person and all you’ll wish is for them to be there. Just like holidays and birthdays, it is OK to feel sad on these positive milestones.
You will watch your parent heal.
You’ll sometimes forget that the love of your remaining parent’s life is gone and they’re suffering just as much as you are. Their soul mate who they searched their life for is no longer with them and they have to be the glue that holds the rest of the family together. Give that parent some credit because they’re doing the best they can all while trying to keep a smile on their face.
You will question the negatives.
You will wonder if your parents are proud of you, you’ll ask yourself if they approve of your decisions, you’ll even question how much they loved you and if they miss you too. The answer is yes. You’ll question it because you’ll be looking for the love and acceptance that you don’t get every single day. Don’t think this is abnormal because it might be weird to not question it.
Pop culture will be the biggest blessing and biggest curse.
You’ll hear songs and watch movies that will make you think of them. Songs will come on randomly on the radio and you might find yourself crying as you’re driving. This is totally normal. If you’re anything like my dad and I you might have a hard time watching an entire Dallas Cowboy’s game because it just reminds you of them. It’s OK.
Don’t stop living life.
Don’t forget that just because your parents’ life stopped, doesn’t mean yours has to. You don’t have to be stuck in a hole hiding from the rest of the world for the rest of your life. Your parent doesn’t want you to stop living just because they did. You have to push yourself to continue reaching your goals and being the best that you can be because that’s all they want. Life will go on and it’s important to remember and honor your parent.
Just like life, there is no guide to how to deal with this. We all have different ways of coping and a different journey that helps us become OK. If there were words to make us feel better we’d have said them by now. If there was a trick to make this all better, it would have been done. But there isn’t. We just have to continue playing this game we call life and making it the best version we can. We may still be broken, but we are still strong.
Sincerely,
A fatherless girl
