We all have lost something at one time or another. We've lost our favorite pair of pants or our favorite toy as a kid. We've lost friend we thought would last a lifetime or the relationship in high school other we thought was forever. We've lost the really cute boy or girl's (from a chance meeting) number - heartbreaking. We've all experienced loss and the hurt that comes with loss, the grief.
But what even is grief? By formal definition grief is "deep sorrow, especially caused by someone's death", informal definition "trouble or annoyance". Boy they are right losing my favorite Lululemon leggings really did cause me both deep sorrow and annoyance!
On a serious note, we have all gone through grief from time to time and none of our situations are the same, but we have felt the same pain. The feeling on your chest that there's either a huge hole in your heart or the lump in your throat you can't get rid of no matter how much water you drink. We've all felt what feels like thousands of pounds of bricks on our shoulder that makes every step you take feel like a mile. Wow, writing those feelings - I can feel it again. Admittedly I felt this all day, you see grief doesn't go away the way they say it does.
Eight years ago this week, I lost my best friend. Many of you may know this story, some may not. I wont shorten the story because its her story of her life and her beautiful self. So we'll keep it to the fact - on November 11th, 2011 our world lost Liza Marie Archilla at the young age of sixteen, only sixteen years old. The world lost Liza to suicide, to hardships that were so unbearable, unspeakable, and quite honestly unfair. I am quite a religious person but I will never find fairness in what I know to be her story.
An excerpt from another of my writings about Liza that still remains to be true:
"Its still hard for me to say that out loud, very few people can open me up enough to hear me speak the words of this heartbreaking story. Im not really gonna tell the story of that awful day, just know the world - not just her friends and family lost a beautiful, loving, accepting, quirky soul that day."
In honestly, I have had to grieve quite a few things. I lost my grandmother at a young age, my mother was not in my life at all - as a result I lost my contact with my brothers and sisters. I have been through loss, many times in my life - at a very young age. Admittedly, losing Liza was probably the hardest thing I have gone though. You see I miss my grandmother so much, but I was so young when I lost her - I didn't even know what death was, I always thought she would come back. My mother, even when in my life wasn't really around - I didn't really get it, yes I missed her but again I was young. I honestly was more interested in Barbies and hanging out with my friends - luckily for me. In all seriousness yes these things were awful and not easy to go through as a child. But thankfully, in some ways - it happened while I was young, I didn't really get it.
Eight years ago, I got it. I lost my best friend, the world lost Liza. I was sixteen when it happened, my birthday had just passed. I knew what death was, I understood now that people didn't just come back. I knew her being gone meant she was truly gone. For the first time, I really had to go through grief consciously and knowingly. I had to feel the depression of losing someone close to you - the nights of no sleep, the days of no eating, the continuous feeling of emptiness and a lot crying. I didn't want to feel it if were being honest. I masked my feelings well and made sure people KNEW (thought) I was okay. I felt as though feeling this grief was shameful and embarrassing, I felt like it made me weak. To the outside world, I was strong and admirable, to the people that knew me I was empty and ready to crack. Grief struck me hard and I never wanted to feel it. Do you know what I mean?
The title is coming "The Good in Grief", I know your thinking I see no good Alieya! Is it coming? Soon. The good though doesn't look like the good we know to be true. Its not the laughing and smiles, its not the new perfect jeans, its not the new love or friendships that come. Thats not the good in grief. The good in grief doesn't look like the good we know at all.
What if I told you the good in grief is the grief itself. The feelings you feel, the sadness you hold, the tears you cry. In the sorrow there is beautiful to be seen. I grieve the lost of my friend every day, I grieve the loss of knowing my mother & siblings, and I grieve the lost of of my grandmother as well. I think of or talk about Liza every day, truly everyday. I get a quick lump in my throat and a sinking feeling that kills, but that feeling reminds me of her. I laugh too, I think of my memories with her, the happiness she brought me and the fun times we shared and I can even smile. But, I still feel the lost too. I allow myself to cry - sometimes while I'm getting ready, sometimes its at her gravesite, and sometimes its even in the car. I cry, I feel the hurt and the grieve all over again even though its been eight years, but it assures me that I still have her in my heart.
People tell you "it gets better", for a lot of things this is true. Grieving doesn't get better, it doesn't get easier. I am sorry to be the bear of bad news. BUT it shouldn't, why would you want it to get better? Grieving is natural, its organic, its raw and its real. Grieving reminds you that you cared for the person that you lost, that you love the person you lost and that one day you'll see them again! This isn't bad, we look at feelings of pain and uncomfort as awful we have to mask them. When really we need to embrace them, feeling "sad" isn't wrong, its apart of life - it's apart of your growth. No, I am not saying be happy sad times are coming! But simply understand that with pain comes strength, comes growth, and even comes values. Grieving keeps you connected to the people you lost, it doesn't have to be crying and starving days - but it is allowing yourself to feel what you need to feel to get where you're going. Suppressing feelings of grief will make you crack maybe not today, maybe tomorrow, maybe not even this year but sweeping you feelings under your imaginary rug will only lift it off the ground eventually. Don't let yourself crack, don't handle it the way I did for so long.
This year, I went to visit Liza's grave sight. I cried, I talked out loud about the past, the present and even future, I laughed, and I prayed. I went there feeling broken, feeling the grief all over again and because I allowed myself to feel it in my way, I left feeling whole. I left being thankful for grief because it reminds me of her, it means she's still with me, and she's still so very special to me. Those feelings of pain bring me closer to my friend still to this day. It doesn't take me back to square one but it forces me remember her and what she means to me. The hurt and the love. Sometimes when things get busy, it gets easy to put the bad/sad under the memory rug. Allow your self to feel it.
I am not saying, you have to cry and be sad. Your grief may look different than mine, yours might be found in pictures and memories or laughter only. No matter what it is, allow yourself to feel it. It's so important to your growth and ultimately to your livelihood.
Grief isn't only for death like I said before. Grief takes place when you lose people you love in anyway. Regardless if its a break up, the end of a friendship - or even the lost of those pants. Traumatic experiences cause grief, the loss of who you were before it. Believe me I know this one to be true, all to well. Allow yourself to feel the grief and feel the sorrow. By allowing yourself to truly live through the grief cycle, you will allow you to forgive those who do not apologize and accept loss you never thought you could. You will grow, you will learn, you will become who you are meant to be because you let yourself feel not only the good but the bad too.
Don't forget, don't mask what will make you who you should be. Embrace it, it's not always pretty, but you are - you really are.
Please know there is help not only in hotlines and therapy rooms, but in people who have been there, I will always be here to hold your hand through the tough times.
There's help:
Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
My Personal Facebook: Alieya Roderick
In loving memory of Liza M. Archilla. I miss you forever, my heart is with you and my mind wonders to memories of us always, I am so blessed to of had a friend like you in my life. Eight years is too long, but I cannot wait until we meet again. Forever and always, I love you.
"If you're not twinning you aren't winning"
