To you,
You fell under a spell, until every page of every book screamed his name. Happiness, hope, love, you saw his name written everywhere. You fell in love with one man and you thought, is that really what it feels like? You felt a love so strong, you thought nothing could ever break it, but it was your first time, so I don’t blame you. He filled your nights with laughter and cheer; you laughed so hard you spilled tea all over the rug. Every time you looked at the stain, a smirk appeared on your face, like you thought you’d been devious that night. You two had done something the rest of us wouldn’t understand. That’s how it all began: You were part of a game you didn’t know you were playing.
He came home every night screaming and shattering glass. He called you worthless mistake. The words spewing out of his mouth like venom. He had no right to talk to you that way, but he did, and you let him. You constantly apologized for his mistakes, for the fights you never started. You told yourself to be better, not for you, but for him. You hoped that someday you would stop apologizing, stop making excuses, stop being the woman he never wanted. In time, you believed the excuses, the list getting longer as the days went by. He made excuses for missing anniversaries, for holidays. Excuses so good, you stopped questioning him. His deceitful lies filled your body with scars. Scars burned by your tears at night. You allowed yourself to be broken down, you were so fragile.
When you think of him you are left with the memories of her. The nights he wasn't with you, he spent rubbing her shoulders, snuggled against her. His lips pressed against her burnt caramel skin. You watched from the sidelines, replaying his words in your head, believing that he needed you. Even when he told you he stopped, it wasn't enough. The day she showed up you froze. You realized the game was not over. You watched her squeeze his face as she leaned in for a kiss; his fingers traced her spine. The haunting memory of his laugh, how you no longer were his source of happiness. Somehow you thought of that stain on the rug, how you laughed so hard that night. That night seemed like it happened a century ago. You cried so much, you almost drowned. You tried to convince me that it was your fault. You needed to be better. You didn’t need to convince me, you needed to convince yourself.
One day a man will come over and his soft kisses will blow your scars into extinction. He will ask about the stain and you will let out a hard laugh and say, “lets gets a new rug.” He will play with your hair, while you are floating on clouds. Your palms will sweat with nervousness every time he walks into a room. The butterflies in your stomach will throw a party every time his lips touch yours. He will call you precious diamond. Then you’ll realize how fast someone who mattered so much can become a distant memory. I came home last night and there was a new rug. Good luck!
