I’ve always had an obsession with Sylvia Plath; so much so that I got her drawing of a flower tattooed on my right ankle. I first picked up "The Bell Jar" when I was in the 9th grade, although my mom wouldn’t let me read it because I was “an impressionable young girl” and Sylvia was (of course) a very tortured soul. That being said, I was also a very defiant young girl and read the book and lots of her poetry anyways. Sorry, mom. (I feel like I say that in a lot of my articles? My poor mom.) Anyway, she’s done the opposite for me of what my mom expected. Sadly, I was already feeling a lot of the dark feelings she herself experienced, but instead of making those feelings worse and impressing upon me an even darker way of living, her words and experiences helped to actually bring me out of the darkness, because I finally felt like someone understands me. For anyone suffering with depression, maybe she can do the same for you. These excerpts from Sylvia’s book and poems are in a “chronological order” based on my own personal experience with depression.
“I am terrified by this dark thing that sleeps in me; all day I feel its feathery turnings, its malignity.”
What I felt wasn’t me. I was always a happy-go-lucky type of girl. What was inside of me was something altogether different. It was dark, and it was thriving and growing and living off of my happiness. It fed until there was no happiness left at all. And then it would get angry with me. And when it got angry with me, I would be frozen inside of my own body, terrified of what it would convince me to think or do next. I self-harmed and even attempted suicide to get whatever this thing was out. Depression wasn’t just a feeling I made up. It was a thing, and it lived in me. It was a parasite, and there was nothing I could do but feel its presence grow.
“If I didn’t think, I’d be much happier.”
This was a real kicker for me. The main reason my depression strengthened was because I was so hung up on trying to figure out why I was feeling the way I was feeling. Not thinking about it would help, but it wasn’t an option. There is no way to not think about the pain you are feeling, at least while you are conscious. I came to learn that sleeping was an easy out. If I slept, I couldn’t feel the nothingness inside of me. I slept and slept and slept, and that helped, but then all I was doing was sleeping, and that almost made things worse. I wasn’t suffering like I had been, but my social life was.
“I like people too much or not at all.”
I have always been one who made friends easily. I was never nervous to speak to anyone; I could find a friend in almost anybody. Then, for whatever reason, I changed. I loved the people who were already in my life too hard, almost to the point of scaring them off. And people I didn’t know? I had no interest in knowing. I wanted the people who were already in my life to stay and no one else to come in. I became too comfortable with the friends I had, and became weary of everyone else. I’ll be the first to tell you, that’s not the way to live. Always welcome people you don’t know with open arms (within reason, of course), you never know who could be the light of your life if you don’t let them in. I still love very, very hard. On the other hand, if someone does me dirty, then I’m done. They’re cut off and out of my life. I’ve had enough negativity in my life, and I don’t need any more.
“I desire the things which will destroy me in the end.”
One of my greatest flaws is my desire to do everything I probably shouldn’t. I used to have a tendency to love the wrong people, I was drawn to guys who were out to hurt me and other people; I was drawn to friends who didn’t have my best interest at heart. My depression, anxiety, and self-hatred directly stems from a past relationship with a boy who genuinely wanted to break me into the tiniest of pieces. And yet, I couldn’t let go of him. It was a year and a half long relationship, and then it took me another 3 years after that to actually let him go. I wanted to feel wanted for so long that I did things I shouldn’t have with boys who didn’t matter and only ended up hurting myself more (shout out to my boyfriend for showing me what love really is, I love you and appreciate you more than you’ll ever know).
“You’ve only got so long to live.”
Instead of taking this morbidly like I have no doubt she intended, it scared me into a new mindset. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life numb and in the off moments when I did feel something, sad. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be happy so badly.
“I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart: I am, I am, I am.”
I didn’t sit down one day and just say “I want to be better so now I am”. It took time, it wasn’t an overnight sort of fairytale happy ending. I had to realize that I am alive, I am breathing, things could be worse (although that often didn’t seem the case). I have a sad soul, but a soul nonetheless. I am living, and I needed to learn to be grateful for that.
“Go out and do something. It isn’t your room that’s a prison; it’s yourself.”
I took my medication like I was supposed to, I started to get out more, and I put in an actual effort to fight the darkness inside of me. Staying locked up in my room didn’t help anything. Sleeping my life away wasn’t helping anything. I got a job, I tried to focus on school, I attempted to spend more time with my friends and my family. Things didn’t get better per say, but they certainly didn’t get worse. I had panic attacks, and was very nervous and anxious and scared of everything around me. My hair was falling out, I would cry myself to sleep, and the stress from actually fighting my sickness took a toll on me, but I didn’t give up. I pushed on. I was my own worst enemy, and I needed to fix that. I was stuck in my own mind, and I was determined to change that.
"Please don't expect me to always to good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand."
It’s been almost two years since I was at my absolute worst. Some of my bubbly personality has returned, but things will always be a little rocky for me. My boyfriend can tell you firsthand that I can be one of the sweetest, happiest people, and then be a shell of a person the very next day. I will always have depression, and some days really are worse than others. I have learned that the darkness living inside of me will never go away, and there are days when it gets the best of me. I try very hard to be good and kind and loving, but it is not always possible. Some days I am so numb, I am almost unreachable; however, I smile and try my best to be who I know I really am even though it’s the hardest thing I will do that day.
Sylvia Plath has really made her mark on me (lol pun intended I guess). Sylvia is and was very misunderstood, and sadly the darkness inside of her won. Her flower drawing I got tattooed is there to represent where I have been and what I have experienced; the darkness I feel is real, and I am grateful to be overcoming it.
Her writing will forever be among my favorites, and her memory will live on for years to come.
“Remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it. I want to become acutely aware of all I’ve taken for granted.” -Sylvia Plath
