You mustn't have to
make them want you
they must want you themselves. ~ Rupi Kaur.
Sometimes I know it seems nothing can be crueler than being told you aren’t enough. That nothing about you satisfies a thing in another; that the sound of your very voice annoys the heck outta them. That you tried so hard but your love can’t just be reciprocated no matter how much you try . . . maybe sometimes it feels like love will never find you ‘cause everyone you loved unexplainably can’t just love you in return.
I know that so many times you probably sat in a corner crying yourself out and asking what was wrong with you! It doesn’t seem like nothing you ever did ever get you what you want. For you, virtually everything, from love, friendship and more had been a struggle.
I know how it feels to try twice as hard even more where others are probably getting it at once. You’ve always have been made to feel like you have to try harder and fight for everything; for their love, attention, companion, success and approval. It went from sometimes to habitual mental and emotional abuse that you became unrecognizable to yourself. You lost your self esteem, confidence and definition of who you are. . . then you started thinking, maybe they are right, maybe something is wrong with you; maybe you are a failure who suck at everything. . . your face probably looks like a hot pot of mashed beans and your arms like fifteen tubers of yam! You thought, maybe that chick they left you for was right, you’re definitely too messed up and incapable of keeping a man.
I know how living for you went from something you have to do for yourself to what you have to do for them. You started putting yourself through the rigours of planks, sit ups; hitting the gym over a phantom bloated tummy . . . you’ve forgotten how fries and bananas give you bloated tummy when you eat them. You probably told yourself over and over that you didn’t deserve them and you just have to make it up to them by doing what they like, taking all the shit when the truth is they are the ones who don’t deserve a shit outta you.
They hurt you over and over again; playing CPR and First Aid at the same time but you were too blinded, numb and low self-esteemed that you couldn’t see how wrecking their actions were. You turned your pretty little face into a canvass painting and moulding all sorts; you tattooed their names, went all MJ and too white for Mama to recognize her black little diamond but you still looked like ridiculousness. . . You condoned them, believed their lies and blamed yourself for their cheating ass hoping it was gonna get better but Girl, it was never gonna get better. . . Still, a part of you wanna go along with it all.
No Darling! It doesn’t have to be that way! Nothing is wrong with you, plenty is wrong with them. It’s not fair that you loved them and they manipulated your feelings. It’s not okay they took advantage of you; it’s not anywhere near okay that you gave yourself whole to them and they left you unrecognizable pieces of you. It’s not okay that the time you probably should invest in making yourself better, you diverted into putting yourself back together. Nothing about all of these is okay, and maybe it will never be. . . but that’s fine, ‘cos you are not about to play puppet to their playing self anymore.
Just so you know, you can choose to live differently! You can decide to stop feeding on their lies of how not enough and will never be that you are! That no, you ain’t giving up, you’re just choosing your battles wisely. Yea, they thought they got the best of you but you can pick up where they thought they left you off! That Darling, there is no shame in lifting all your love and confidence from the floor.
Yes, they trampled and matched on it for so long but time’s up! That they taught you too well to fall for their gimmicks, pleadings and staged apologies; that their plea for second chances will forever remain nothing but a swinging pendulum hitting itself. That if you ever regret anything, it’s still staying with them when you know you ought to walk away! That you’ll never miss them ‘cos you’ll carry their lessons with you, maybe not always. And not only will you find love that’s sincere, whole and very much lost in you, they’d never find love like you cos sometimes missing out on what should have been your perfect gift but ended up being your loss because you took advantage of it is like affording and wanting to fly first class but ending up flying economy because you didn’t book right or probably missed on your booking chances. Yikes! I know!
You’re not only enough, you’re more than enough! And I hope you don't only start seeing yourself that way but believe it as well.