”Suddenly, she realized that what she was regretting was not the lost past, but the lost future. Not what had not been, but what would never be.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald
Like any great love story, it started out beautiful. Looking back, you see a couple of naïve kids having no idea what they were getting into. You didn’t plan to fall in love with him, and you certainly didn’t plan on forever in the beginning. But as months turned into years and you started growing together, you were able to see it. You could see a future with him. You could feel the very real possibility that you and him could be together forever. The more you saw it, the more you felt it. The more you felt it, the more you wanted it.
Then one day, so fully in love, you started to believe it. Years of reinforcement backed up your plans. It didn’t feel embarrassing to tell people he was “The One." You had been together so long, it felt like people started to expect it to happen. Always the optimistic one, you were determined to make it work. Nothing could sway you from your plan.
Well, they say the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Growing up can do things to a person — either grow together or in your case, apart. Nothing was more torturous than feeling that distance and knowing there was nothing you could do to fix it. He was not meant to be your forever, but destined to undoubtedly be the most painful lesson you would have to learn.
This goodbye was your worst one. I know right now your heart is shattered into a million tiny pieces. Pieces you know you alone have to pick up by yourself, again. You are beyond tired, not just physically but emotionally. Your soul is tired. Your body aches. It physically hurts to think about him. It just hurts. Simple as that.
Your mind is having trouble processing this, because unlike other relationships this was more complex than that. You didn’t know you could feel so deeply. It was this deepness that forced you to realize you needed more. Your soul, your beautiful soul needed more. More attention, more words, more of him being there in ways he physically and emotionally couldn’t. It was so close to working, but no matter which way you rolled this dice — you could never win. You knew you’d always feel some sort of emptiness if you stayed. Even knowing this, you wished he would stay and fight. He didn’t. He just stared blankly, watching you leave. You feel betrayed. Deep down, you thought he would never let you go.
“You are so brave," friends tell you, and: “I could never do what you did.” You didn’t want to be brave. You didn’t want this. You didn’t deserve this. Your head and your heart are at battle once again.
Right now, you feel desperate. You feel lost, stagnant and stuck in a past. You know you aren’t yourself, rather an empty shadow of who you used to be. That pride of yours took quite the hit when you realized he was moving on with his life. Right now, you’re secretly wondering if you did the right thing. You want to replace love with hate. You are so desperately looking for answers when they simply don’t exist. You are mad at yourself. “How could I have been so wrong?” you constantly ask. The worst part is, since you were the one who walked away first — everyone around you thinks you are supposed to be fine, right? They couldn't be more wrong.
In life, sometimes you have to learn how to be comfortable in the wake of being uncomfortable. For so long you thought needing something from someone else made you vulnerable. But, having feelings makes a person human. It makes life worth living. This journey you are on will teach you that.
You are a million dollar girl. You are once in a lifetime. Start believing this about yourself. No one should ever dare to make you feel less than that. You have too much heart for someone who doesn’t know how to be passionate. Be OK with the fact that you require a little more. It’s not the promises or the words or the “some days." It’s the actions that matter.
Dear sweet, beautiful girl, you’ve been bitter and angry for so long that you forgot how to function without it. What happened to your joy? Don’t roll your eyes and think, “He did this." No, you did. You let his memory haunt you and turn your heart into cold stone. You are more than your hurt and his broken promises. You are you after all, and you survived. Allow yourself to start to forgive – yourself first, and then him. No matter if you believe in God or faith, it just wasn’t supposed to be. Don't wrestle with your obsessions of trying to understand why any longer. It's long gone. It's dead. And it’s time, beyond time, to call it. Know that it’s OK to move on.
