Let's start off with the basics."Self-injury, also called self-harm, self-mutilation, or simply cutting, is defined as any intentional injury to one's own body. Usually, self-injury leaves marks or causes tissue damage. Self-injury can involve any of the following behaviors: Cutting. Burning (or "branding" with hot objects)
It all started one dark November night. I was at my lowest point and all alone. As I went down my contacts on my phone, no one picked up. I have never felt so alone. The only thing that would take that emptiness away was a bottle filled with Xanax and a blade to my wrist. I didn't want to live anymore. I felt like wasted space and a burden to the people I cared about the most. I hated myself and the person I had become over the past few months. What is the point of living if you have nothing to live for?
From that night on, I realized I didn't want to die. I wanted to live. I wanted to experience college, falling in love, my 21st birthday, and many starry nights by the mountains. I wanted to spend many more days laughing with my best friend and eating many more of my parent's home cooked meals. The only way I could control my emotions or life in general was a shiny razor blade.
I have never loved anything so much. That adrenaline rushing through your body when you're fully aware of what you tend to do when coming home. I love the way it feels pressed against my skin. The excitement I would get from the blood gushing from my wrist. I felt in control. For once, I was I control of my life.
Usually when normal people cut themselves they feel pain. When my skin splits into two, I feel a sense of calmness. A sense of relief. I have to let the demons out somehow. I also have to match the way I feel inside to my appearance on the outside.
As I cutter, I realized I was causing myself more harm than anything. I am seeking help and I'm currently in treatment. It took me a while to realize that I do have a problem. A problem that makes me stronger every single day.
If you or someone you know is going through something like this, don't be afraid to ask for help.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline/Self Harm Hotline: 1(800)273-8255
