For as long as I can remember, I have always been that girl that everyone knows but no one wants to be friends with. Every time I made a friend, I would put everything I had into the relationship. It may be sound conceited to say, but I was an awesome friend... always have been. The problem with it all was that I have never received the same treatment from the people I consider to be my friends.
I had one very close friend through middle school. We lived close to each other and we spent all of our time together. There was and is nothing I would not do for her. Just like any friendship, we eventually just drifted apart, which is not what I am upset about. I am sad about the time when we were best friends.
I know very well that we were young and neither of us really knew what we were doing. I know that everyone has their own problems. But, I also know that relationships are a two way street. Honesty and effort is all I ever wanted. I need the comfort of knowing that I can tell this person anything and they will trust me in the same way.
The disappointment continues. Throughout high school, I had a couple more friends that I considered to be close to me. While in school, there was never a time that I really felt disconnected. On the other hand, it felt like I was never a part of their 'group' outside of the school walls. I was close to each of them individually, but as soon as it was a group, everything went down the drain. I was never invited to events or gatherings. I never quite fit in.
High school was not easy for me, friendship wise. But, no matter how these girls treated me, there was nothing I would not do for them. I gave and gave and not once received in the same manner. I put up with being their friend, but only when they needed it. I still do this, to an extent. Even two years after graduation, I continue to feel the way I did everyday walking down the halls.
Since I struggled so much in high school, I relied heavily on the guys I dated. Every time I had a new boyfriend, they became my best friend, which is not a bad thing. Problems arose when my girl friends judged me for spending so much time with my boyfriend. I felt like I was stuck in this unending loop. As soon as my boyfriend and I broke up, I was right back to having only family. I do love my family, but I wanted more than anything to have a friend.
Although these friendships didn't go as planned, I have learned some things. I have started to channel the pain I felt and put it into the friendships that are going well. I have seen that I have treated people just as God would want me to. There is not a doubt in my mind that these people were supposed to be in my life.
I see now that most of the problems came from the hearts of those around me. They viewed themselves in a way that did not let them look very far. The unknown expectations that were not communicated killed what we tried to pass off as friendship. I will never deny that it hurts.
The best thing that has come out of being left out was learning to be alone. As an already independent person, I have learned how to take advantage of quiet time. I know how to rely on myself and make my own decisions. I know who I am and I don't need a friend to define who I am. More than anything, I know that as long as I gave it all I could, it was all worth it.