Let me start off by saying I do love you, and I even miss you sometimes when we’re apart. I am grateful for the shelter you provide me with now, along with the food, clothes, and other necessary items. However, growing up and only seeing my father on every other holiday was tough. It served as a hault in my childhood. There were many fond memories that I wish I could’ve shared with you, but didn’t. You missed my firsts for a lot of things. My first day of school, my first haircut, my first best friend, everything. All you saw was pictures and thought that was more than enough for you.
I moved to New Hampshire with you Christmas of 2011, and I was genuinely excited after I processed everything that had happened beforehand. I thought that living with you would be a great experience and give us time to reconnect and strengthen our relationship. Apparently I was wrong, because living with you has been nothing remotely close to paradise. The way you treat me is not the way a father should, and it makes me hate you at times, as bad as that sounds. You always find a way to manipulate me, lie to me, and make promises that you and I both know you’ll never keep.
I understand that being a father to five children, working six days a week, and paying bills is hard, but that, in no way, gives you any good reason to verbally and emotionally abuse me the way you do. I pretend like I don’t care and just brush it off, but in reality, I sit in my room and cry every once in awhile. All I’ve ever wanted was your approval and your love; I truly don’t think that is much to ask for coming from a father. I try so hard to please you, and you know it. I get straight A’s in school, I’m graduating a year early, I cook dinner almost every night, I clean the house, I do your laundry (along with my own), I take care of your youngest child more than you do, I go above and beyond for you, and it’s still not good enough.
I truly am at a loss of words as I’m writing this at 4am. Now that I am truly thinking about our past, I realize that I will never be able to forgive you for the pain you’ve caused. Because of you, I have problems in all other aspects of my life. I am in no way trying to put the blame on you completely, but it needs to be known that because of your selfishness, insecurities, and anger issues, I have problems as well. I feel as though since I’m not good enough for you, I’ll never be good enough for anybody, and that, is a horrible feeling to live with.
I am writing this letter to say that I do love you, and you will always have a place in my heart. You are my father because we’re related, but quite frankly, I don’t consider you my dad. I take care of myself nowadays. I am almost a grownup and you don’t even see it nor can you accept it. I wish you could’ve been there for me more often, and been the dad that came to all my sports games and cheered me on. Better yet, I wish you were the dad that gave me the love I deserved. I miss you dad, but I’m done trying; It takes too much to be the adult in this relationship. I sincerely hope one day you can be the father I have always needed.
Love always,Your pumpkin