Having a chronic illness opens the door to so many emotions. I have cried more in my life the past two years since I have been diagnosed, than I have cried the entire rest of my 22 years of life. It is not only limited to crying, however. Usually in the context of a doctor office or hospital, I have screamed, yelled, cried, sobbed, thrown up, and had every part of my body examined. I have experienced more emotions the past two years than I ever imagined I could.
My doctors are usually the recipients of many of these explosions of emotions, unfortunately for them. It's caused a unique relationship for me, with many of my doctors. I hug and tell my pulmonologist that I love him, each and every time I see him. My mom and I know the names of my doctor's children, have given them presents, seen pictures, and absolutely bonded with so many of my doctors. I tell everyone how much I love my doctors, but it's so much more than just the connections. I love my doctors for essentially saving my life. They work together to enrich my quality of life, and they partake in the joy, the sadness, and the pain along with me.
I saw my primary doctor for an appointment last week, and I happened to be in makeup and having a good day. I joked that it was the first time she'd ever seen me with makeup, and she responded in a serious tone of voice that it was. I've seen her consistently for two years, and this is the best I've felt. Each milestone I celebrate, they celebrate with me. They hold my hands while I cry, hug me with happiness when I get good blood results, and email me about how I am doing.
Chronic illnesses are a roller coaster, constantly. I feel everything, sometimes all at once. I roll my own eyes when I have a bad pain day, because I wish I was tougher. I downplay my symptoms, because I don’t want to seem weak or like a complainer. I focus on the bright side, because I want to keep positive, which is a big part of my personality. Most importantly, I feel love and appreciation for those around me, who are on this roller coaster right along side me. For my doctors, who have been part of my journey since day one. For my family, who sacrifices so much to support me. For my boyfriend, who comes to visit me when I'm hospitalized and resembling a farm animal. And love for myself, for waking up each day to keep fighting against my chronic illnesses.
